MOM Interview

MOM Interview #3 - Jon-Sells Gerkins
The Turk gets the trophy, and the opportunity to spout his usual random gibberish as he answers Jono & Milky's questions

JW: How deep is your love?

Words cant describe how deep the Love-God's love is, the Love-God is the legend when it comes to making love and showing ladies of an assortment of ages how it's done, it's not everyday the female population come across a Turk who has that dynamite explosion in the sack, who has gold did I say gold statues erected worldwide, and last but not least has written the sex bible "The Jon-Sel Sutra".  Love-God by name, Love-God by nature but if I have to sum it up, my love is deep Oh so deep for the ladies of the world, it would be unfair to not cater for their needs, the motto will stick for life "All women need loving", ladies and gents just play the game!!!!

RJ:  Is it true that you inspired Atomic Kitten's song '(Stick it in my) Hole Again'?  Only we saw that ginger one you alleged to have had a little "dalliance" with on the telly last week, and she didn't mention you once.  So we think you're sh1tting us.

The ginger haired lil kitten, yes has experienced some hands on fun with the 21st century sex machine, the middle finger of the mighty Turk's hand decided to go on a lil Dick Whittington outing, of course I didn't take any friends as where I was going there was only room for one man and not his dog.  I did pay a visit to Dawsons Creek, and judging from the kittens previous stage gigs it was a nite she has never forgotten as waddling like a duck seems to be a new trend she has set off.  The Love-God isnt into relationships, you do the deed and you move on, the littlest hobo is my idol, maybe tomorrow ill wanna settle down but till tomorrow ill just keep moving on, the saying is so true and it isnt rolf harris animals from his hospital that abide by this rule.  People can talk and jibe saying this is not true but all I say is "Come back to me when you get on the celebrity circuit, im not into wasting my time with those who are wannabe celebs wanting to star in the hit-soap eldorado".  The Atomic Poodle bless her wishes not to speak about her nights of fun, she is a star but as she needs more celeb status, I feel it is only right for me to boost her rep when she feels she can handle the paparrazi when they hassle her for info on the most electrifying Love-God in the music biz, oh yes it's Jon-Sel

JW:  What were your feelings after Saturday's game?

I was shocked to see children had run off as Jono *go go gadget schlong* Openshaw had not revealed his leaning tower of elland road to the public, lets face facts people dont come to see the rev play ball, they come to see the organ grinders monkey and judging by Sat's game  peanuts weren't offered to our elongated friend.  I was happy with the performance, we played well, didn't bitch, we were unlucky but the spirit was up and it can only set us up for a good run over the next few months.  One comment I have to make is, have all the Rev players had medicals as it seems several players go mute during the game, im worried as I dont want us looking like nice guys giving the "special" players a game, so this has to be sorted!

RJ: That's about 7 games without a goal now.  Are you sh!t or something?

It's not about scoring, it's about winning, scoring a goal isn't meant to be like a sprint, its more like a marathon, when the time is right it will happen.  I would like to say that those who have scored goals have scored against peg leg jim and his funky parrot, I excel at higher level but you should be thanking me that the Love-God has dropped down to the "No Good" league.  The time will come and at this moment in time my boobok gold boots are being made up as the devastating speed of the Love-God will rip past opponents and the ball will fly once, twice, three times into the net, the magic is just beginning boys, I am the chosen one and I have had words with the magical grandmaster Hakan Sukur, it's hard being this good so sit back, relax and learn from the best, remember knowledge is power.

JW: You often say that "All women need loving". Does that include fat mingers?

Excuse me you say often, you fools havent been paying attention, its said 24/7 and the motto will stick for life.  It means exactly what it says, no stranger to the tuck shop females will be getting love, you have to cater for all female needs, being Turkish we dont get good bouncy balls for the beach so getting jiggy with a human version of lard can only mean getting the best of both worlds as you can play with her on the beach.  I do consider myself to be a stylish legit pimp daddy, so women of the world be wary, there's a turk coming through.

JW: Do you know the way to San Jose?

Love-God knows everywhere, even if the places cater for that of the bondage, homosexual, S and M , drop a hot lunch off on someones face needs.  I must say I have never been, but I am a worldly inspiration, every one needs Turk advice, until u have had the words of wisdom speech from the great man himself, your life just wont be complete, so book in now and i'll be able to sort Rev players out with a 10 percent discount.  Milky do you and Jonno know the way to the Blue Oyster, Im hearing disturbing rumours?

RJ: If you were to go on Stars in Their eyes who would you be?

Why would I want to be anyone else, im the superstar, im the greatest, please I wouldnt want to put myself in anyone elses shoes or curly slip-on's, it's Jon-Sel all the way or my inspiration Jondon, we keep it in the family, it's only fair.

JW: Can you name the greatest ilmington 11 ever?

No as you are all sh1t, I just put Jon-Sel on every squad number, you have to speak the truth at times like this.

1.) Daz "Elphin Child" betts
2.) Jonno "Leaning Tower of Leeds" Openshaw
3.) Will "Mighty Molly" Haines
4.) James "Benny" Bishton
5.) Jonno "Dr Spock" Wright  (There is debate over that one)
6.) Matt "Willow" Ryan Gill
7.) Harry "Steve Cram" Jolly
8.) Stu "Traitor" Eades       (Eades will be getting a nickname shortly)
9.) Jon-Sel "Love-God"
10.) John "Stan Ternent" Ryan Gill
11.) Matt "John Inman" Petty

That was a random team, milky, the anvil and the sherman should be in there along with brassy, but there is no great team as we are all greats together, ahhh how sweet am I

RJ: Who is the most under-rated player in the Ilmington squad and why?

It has to be the Poo-meister, he is a legend in his own right and needs to be shown the way onto a footie pitch, Big up the Fall Guy pooey, his Gola 1960 boots will let him score more goals than me, and yes that will happen.

JW: Fine of the season for who and why ?

The sloth bloke who runs the team, he rambles, stammers, stuttters, bores you with random comments, shut up man. He gets crowed and runs for the hills, he lies to us about coming out and yes he dresses like something out of George and Mildred, sort it Trapper, you have the potential to be a great but at the mo its not getting sorted.

MOM Interview #2 - Darren Betts
Despite the fact that we were sh*te, Dazza still got the MOM against A2K. Interview conducted under the aafluence of inkerhol. Questions again by Jono & Milky

RJ: Furnish us with 3 facts about David Hasslehoff
DB: He talks to a car, swims with an orange handbag on his arm, thinks he can sing
JW: If the entire Revolution squad were stranded on a desert island and you were forced to eat one player to survive who would it be?
DB: The bucket and sponge
JW: Did you cry when Stuart Eades left?
DB: Who is Stuart Eades?
RJ: Which is your favourite Chevy Chase movie?
DB: The Sound of Music
JW: Were you surprised to get the MOM award, considering how sh1t you are?
DB: Have you seen the rest of you scum bags?
JW: Do you know the way to San Jose?
DB: Instead of turning right for Illmington you "take the high road and I'll take the low road and I'll be in Scotland before ye" just after the Shipston turn
RJ: If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
DB: Well, it wouldn't be the Revolution Squad
RJ: Which member of S Club 7 would you sleep with, and why?
DB: Rachel, as she's the only one smaller than me
RJ: Which has been the Revolution's best performance this season?
DB: 4-4 draw with Alcester Lions

MOM INTERVIEW #1 - Matt Petty
Conducted in Ilmington Tennis Hut on Weds 16th Jan 2002 - questions by R James & J Wright

RJ: Matthew, who do you think would be the last man standing if all of the Revolution squad were locked in a room and ordered to fight until there was just one solitary winner?
MP: Jono Openshaw, he'd simply belt everyone with his cock.
RJ: Which five words best describe your playing style?
MP: Lazy, Lazy; Lazy; Lazy and Lazy
RJ: What would you purchase if given £2.71 to spend in McDonalds?
MP: Quarter Pounder with cheese meal (RJ interjected and said that this costs £2.99)
MP: Quarter Pounder with cheese then.
RJ: Who is the best player we've played against this season?
MP: Pete James, Alcester Lions manager/left back (old & slow)
RJ: What do you feel were the major contributing factors surrounding the death, and subsequent extinction of the dinosaurs in the late cretaceous period?
MP: They all ate each other (a popular theory as discussed with RJ over several pints of gin & tonic in the past)
JW: Do you know the way to San Jose?
MP: Yes. Turn left at the traffic lights, there should be an old guy with a dog, simply ask him, he'll give you directions
JW: Where do you think The Revolution will finish this season?
MP: Third
JW: How did you feel when Steps announced they were splitting recently?
MP: I was as pleased as when I heard that Lythall had offered to step down from the starting line-up on Saturday
JW: Sum up JRG in just three words
MP: Fat, Lazy, B'stard