A View From The Sideline

Slightly more satisfying than last year...

...because of who we beat in the final. An amazing performance by all of the lads - Johnny getting the goal in the final against the team he loves so much, we all knew how much it meant to him. Clarkey coming into his own as one of the outstanding players of the season and Adam Bell taking over from Alex 'Golden Bol1ocks' Kalinowski as the jammy get that scored the winner - it came off yer knee then rolled down your shinpad, you never meant it.

Speaking of Alex he was devasted when he found out he couldn't play and then became even more upset when he lost his phone but it turned out ok - he found it.

Tom's wee brother caused havoc at the IC afterwards upsetting quite a few people but he probably meant well.

Most of the lads went to Vis after Warehouse but I thought it would be best to leave at that stage as 1. I don't have an NUS card and they wouldn't let you in without one and 2. I hate the place.

More to follow shortly...........

The Final Countdown Part 2

Shocking news as the final date could be as soon Thursday, giving us all of 2 days to get ourselves as worked up as we were on Sunday: will Quinny have enough time to get as nervous as he was? Stay tuned to find out.

Hopefully we will have a similar level of support from Irish people everywhere  so get down to where ever the replay will be and SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL IRISH CENTRE (everyone is part Irish, look at Clinton Morrison, born and bred in Clare? I don't think so!)

Interesting to look at the guestbook with Meltham finally picking up on the ref blowing up while the corner was taken - but he did blow just after the corner was taken and before the ball was in the area. So, I'm sorry but it wasn't illegal.

Also we should have had two penalties with Alex getting bundled over in the area, but despite Quinny's 'passionate' appeal to the linesman (appeal fails, he gets 6 months) we didn't get anything.

For the penalty we did get, surley that was their last man (instant sending off) or at least he prevented a goalscoring opportunity (another instant sending off). Still lets hope the ref is good and fair (and gives us another penalty) in the replay.

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 IC v Meltham: Round 5

We have to play Meltham again following a tense cup final which ended 3-3 aet. Probably a fair result but here at the AVFTSL offices we feel confident that IC can win the replay as long as we learn to DEFEND FROM CORNERS!!!

The pre-match preperations were superb with food such as fruit chocolate and energy bars/drinks available (I'm going to ingnore the point of no body talking to me and telling me that we were dressing up for the game but I'm still bitter).

Chris's talk about no swearing was well recieved but only lasted long enough for Quinny Quinni Quinno to see the changing facilities before that rule went out the window.

Everything was going well until the sixth minute when Damo was k.o.'d and then couldn't get up again. Our on-the-spot reporter gained a first hand quoite from the IC defender following his injury: "myeeeeeragggifforrrrnuu!" said Wood, before falling on his ar5e again.

This led to the sh1t-your-pants moment when Chris imediately turned to me and said "warm up." I'd forgotten that I was the only defender on the bench. Given my past record vs Meltham: five goals conceded against while I've been on the pitch - one was a penalty given away by my own left hand, and my ability to control the ball further than most players can kick it, it would be fair to say that I was nervous.

However I worked my self up into a good state of mind and just as I heard Chris shout "SUB!", I was ready to go.

Then he put Johnny on.

Actually I have to apologise to Johnny on behalf of a lass from my work who tried to kill him when he said I was gay.

Sorry.

If only we could have held out for the last 3 minutes, as Giles said, that's only enough time to pour 2 and a half pints of Guiness.

We don't know when the replay will be but we will win.

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Well, that went well...

So, fight club is alive and well and living in Fairbank. Ineresting how whenevr we have a half decent game it gets called off - see Elland.

So what are the implicantions for IC following the Rumble in the Jungle?

1. IC awarded three points - this is the most likely event as over 70 minutes had been played and the incedent that got the game called off - their centre back trying to kill the ref - didn't involve us in anyway, so we aren't at fault.

2. Fairbank thrown out of league - they've already been kicked out of open-age. If they were kicked out this would mean that all points won against them would be wiped of. IC would lose three points (they beat us away) but Meltham would lose six, having beaten Fairbank twice.

3. A replay - highly unlikely as the ref is on the league board.

4. IC kicked out of cup final - a vicous rumour that could only go through if they can prove that Cashel started the fight. But 1- he didn't, 2 - their manager didn't help the situation (he made it worse) so we can't be to blame, 3 - the fight didn't get the game called off.

Why Cashel gets involvewd in fights is anyones guess as he gets hammered everytime. funniest moment of the weekend has to be the swing at Bobby.

The fundraiser went well, with a good band - Matthew, Mark, Luke and John (and Katie) I think they were called. We are now sorted finacially for the season (no more subs) unless we get a really big fine, but I can't see that happeing

It could be the perfect end.....

We have made it to the final again and it's against Meltham. This sets up what could be the perfect end to the time the bhoys have spent together (what with uni, job-centres, prison etc its unlikely we'll be together next season) as long as we win. Matty lost his head - no change there then. Cries of "don't drop the soap!" didn't go down well.

The parade seemed like a good do but I've had enough of this Houdini stick. There are 18 of us and we were dotted around a very very crowded IC - do I have to tell each of you personally that I'm going?. If I have to give you a written request to leave - each, it will take me about four hours to get away.  But apparently this is the only way I can set off with out getting asked where I disappeared to. I told Keady - John, Chris and Dave, that I was going, as well as johnny but he was so wrecked I doubt he will have noticed

Can't wait till next weekend but with work at 6 the next morning I can't go to Leeds and still be fit for Paddy's day itself. if anyone wants to go to Huddersfield I'll be up for it.

Clarkey - you're doing Big Brother. do the decent thing and admit it.

The IC Summer tour of Europe

Part Four:  One Fight, Two Funerals and (nearly) a Wedding

The party are absolutely devasted when they are told by the French magistrate that due to his past record Mr. Adam 'Baby-Eater' Lunn will be remanded in custody in a Maximum Security French prison until his trial in two months time. Apparently on the first night out, when asked for the time by a newlywed couple Lunny lost his head and went beserk (on a brighter note the couple should be okay: he'll be able to use at least one of his arms again so he can work the wheel chair, and she needn't worry coz, y'know, plastic surgery's really advanced now so she won't look...all that...bad...maybe..)

Depressed due to the loss of the team hard man the bhoys have no choice but to continue. Matty volunteeers to go under cover and break him out but Tom D says it wouldn't work becuase Matty's not very subtle and he'd stick out like a pork-pie at an anorexic's anonymous meeting. Alex asks Matty why he wants to go near a prison having only just avoided it last time.......

Clarkey tries to play Adam's guitar to cheer the lads up but it just depresses them even more. Clarkey berates them for not appreciating his musical genius. Cashel calls Clarkey a sh*tehouse c*nt. Clarkey loses his head and has to be restrained by Phil. Phil doo gets jarred in the encounter and he lashes out catching Tom D on the chin. Tom D thinks it was Tom G who hit him and so swings at him Tom G never has a full grasp on the situation anyway and rugby tackles Johnny. Alex jumps in to defend his lover and pretty soon the lads are involved in a full scale brawl in the back of the coach.

The fight is eventually ended when John Keady wades in and asks if anyone wants to go round and round with him. the bhoys all say no and their respect/devotion to the man, the legend John Keady sees them all stop fighting.

The only one of the lads not involved in the brawl was Chris Keady. He spent the time staring out of the coach window, with the rain lashing down outside, Dido playing on the radio, his heart broken in two by the loss of his beloved Joanna. Its been four days on the road now and while other lads are more preoccupied with running out of soap, clean socks and (most importantly) food, Chris is desperately sad having spent so long away from Jo and their three daughters, Chloe, Susan and Radford.

Bobby (full of bright ideas this one) suggests that they could get married over the internet, via a satellite link up. That way they would be together legally as well as spiritually. Cashel asks Bobby how he came up with this idea, Bobby replies that its the way him and Laura are going to do it, what with their tills being so far apart at Boots and all. Quinny decides that the idea is the biggest pile of sh*te since the YMCA 'B' team turned up drunk then tried to play football. Keady says that he wants to go ahead with it though, just to see her face again.

With Tony Tomlinson as the the priest and Mike the coach driver and Chris Helliwell as witnesses the link up is ready and Joanna is on the other end. Everything goes superbly and it is the most romantic thing the bhoys have ever seen until halfway through the ceremony when Tommo asks for the best man to step forward with the ring.

With all the excitment Chris had forgotten to choose a best man. Instantly all the bhoys step forward to offer their services (apart from Miles who has been chosen to fill in as the driver while Mike is a witness). Chris thinks long and hard about who it should be and instantly discounts Clarkey on the grounds that he's complaining during his wedding (although Clarkey was quite justifyed in whinging as they are using his computer and the internet bill from France to Britain is quite expensive and he doesn't have a job so how's he gonna pay for it and then his page won't get udated and the lads would be devasted if they didn't find out who won Big Brother wouldn't they?)

Alex is eventually chosen as the best man having won a final show down between himself, Cashel and Johnny. Cashel lost when he offered the use of his ring for the service and although Johnny actually won, Alex got in on default when Johnny was found at the back of the coach, too p1ssed to carry on.

With everything now settled the service continues:

TOMMO: DO YOU CHRIS FAUNTLEROY KEADY TAKE JOANNA BELL TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED WIFE?

KEADY: I DO

TOMMO: JOANNA, SAME QUESTION, NAMES REVERSED.

JOANNA: I DO

TOMMO: I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU MAN AND WI -----

*APPLICATION HAS QUIT DUE TO UNKOWN ERROR*

Keady loses it completely and tries to kill Clarkey and his "sh1te-ar5e motherfcuking computer!!!!" and has to be restrained by everyone on the coach, including Miles who has let his concentration slip while driving and as the lads feel the coach hit two seperate bumps, Simon makes the observation that "they didn't feel like speed bumps"

The bhoys finish and eventful day at a funeral cermony on the Belgian border. There is a lot to look forward as they are still in the first half of the tour but they first have to apologise to the family of the late Mr. Franciose LePoubelle, who Miles hit with the coach, before going all the way to the other end of town to get to the funeral of his guidedog.......

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Just like last year...

...we are playing poorly but winning, which I guess is ok as long as we keep winning. Next game is absolutley crucial as are the rest of them this season.  I don't know why we are playing poorly and I don't think anyone lese does either.

Highlight of the day has to have been Brendan's comedy wall for the free kick that sorta stood nowhere in particular and made a half hearted attempt to jump as the ball went sailing into the top corner. Also Damo probably deserves a mention for reaching a near-suicidal state of mind mid-first half.

Gubbini is reaching King-of-comedy status, firstly being amazed that I could buy such a strange and 'out there' CD as the one I had on Friday (Jeff Buckley - you may not have heard of him but he's not that rare) in a mainstream record shop such as HMV. There was also the several questions asking where Adam Bell was after the game despite Tom being in the car that dropped him off by McDonalds add to this the running conversation that me and him have had since Thursday - "so, did you go with Zara?", "No". Two hours later - "Donal I heard you scraped Zara?" "No". Another two hours later - "Is it true you went with Zara?" "Still no".

Actually that was an intersting rumour and the first I heard of it was when several bhoys gave me a round of applause at the bus stop before telling me what it was about. I then told them it wasn't true before Gubbini had a thirty second pause and then asked me whether or not it was true or not......

The 2002 IC Summer Tour of Europe:

Visiting: France, Belguim, Germany and Italy,

Tour Members: the IC Bhoys (x18), Chris Helliwell, the commitee (Tony and John), Adam Lunn's parole officer, the coach driver and some bloke called Derek, found asleep in the back of the coach halfway down the M4.

Part One: Getting the Hell out of the Country...

The bhoys meet at the IC ready to depart for Hull port for their tour of Europe involving four games against some of the continents premiere Under-18 sides of Irish descendants. Spirits are high as they wait for the arrival of the coach that has been booked for the tour, complete with a series of Shannon Tweed video's and one sick bucket per player.

Despite feeling rough due to a night out the day before ( apart from concentious and responsible father of three Chris Keady) the bhoys board the coach and are soon on route to the ferry. The journey goes well and the video's prove that the sponsor of tour, kleenex, was the right descision. Problems begin when Adam Bell discovers that his passport ran out in 1996 and that, with increased security due to Adam Lunn's high profile court case the week before (verdict: not guilty. Let's hope those missing witnesses turn up soon) all members of the party will under go strict searches. The lads try to think of a way to get Adam out of the country without having to tell either a) Chris the manager, b) Tommo the club president or c) Her Majesty's Custom Officials. They decide to stuff him into and overhead compartment at the expense of Miles's back up sleeve-less shirt collection. Miles protests loudly but the bhoys claim they can't hear him over the shirt that he's currently wearing.

Upon boarding the ferry (with Bell still safely contained in the cramped overhead compartment of an empty, non-air conditioned coach) the bhoys make straight for the bar. Quinny cops off with the barmaid while Adam's parole officer won't let him play a shoot-em-up at the arcade as it could un-do the years of therapy. Bobby and Alex go a-wandering and find Damo stood at the front of the ship a la Titanic, with his arms outspread proclaim that he is the king of the world, he does love Zara and the bhoys have never known him...him...him...him...him...

Adam L has successfully dumped his security guard by clkimbing through a port hole and is caught in the nick of time on his way to the creche.

Simon is found shaking ten year olds down for twenty pence pieces in the arcade. One of the children (quite rightly) tells his mother, who in turn tells a member of staff, who in turn tells their supervisor, who in turn tells security, who in turn tells the captain, who in turn locks Simon and Alex (both look alike) in the brig.

The lads dock at Cherbourg and hatch an ingenous plan to get Al and Sy out of trouble before they are handed over to the police, this involves Mike - the coach driver - keeping the engine revving while Donal asks if he can visit the two prisoners. Unaware of his amazing ability to just vanish, the guards let him in. Four minutes and sixteen seconds later the trio are seen pelting along the dock towards a van, whos doors are open and the engine humming nicely. They jump in and with a squeal of burning rubber the bhoys are away safely, leaving the ships crew waving their fists and saying "pesky kids". It's about this time that Donal and Cashel tells the driver he went a long way in first and should have knocked it up into second as he came to the roundabout. The driver tells them where to go.

The bhoys have successfully left the British Isles and now await their first game and the European experience......

Part Two: "Is he local Pierre?" 

The drive to the hotel/barn that the junour commitee members booked takes three hours during which the tape wears out on Shannon Tweed: The Wonder Years much to the disappointment of the bhoys without regular girlfriends. Matty comes to the rescue re: entertainment by producing a bootleg copy of the Robbie Williams film Somebody Someday  which causes great distress (cries of "Oh, not that fat w!nker again!" - as well as some crude comments about R. Williams) amongst the part time moshers of the group plus anyone else with an ounce of taste who decide they don't want to watch it.  Donal and Clarkey are particularly annoyed and - following a whip round - have enough money to hire their own seperate car so they don't have to watch. Needing a driver of four years plus experience they persuade Chris Helliwell to drive, although he is mightly fecked off having been sixty quid up in a game of gin-rummy with John Keady.

The coach pulls up outside the hotel which appears to have only one room and is without a working door. The owner, a fat Frenchman called Jean-Pierre, admits to having lied down the phone to Alex and Clarkey about it being a five star hang out for super models and page-3 girls. Tom D bollox Alex for not thinking it suspicious that such a hotel would be available for just £1.06 and a six pack of ASDA Economy crisps.

Cashel and Johnny have found the only bar for almost three hundred square miles in another farmers front-room and are currently drinking a thick syrup-like beer which has bits of twigs floating in it. Never the less their reservations last about nine seconds before they beging drinking and pretty soon they are nearing a comatose condition. With Johnny unconcious Cashel notices that the hairy (and very lonely and single) farmers are gathering round the drunken pair with a strange glint in their eye. Despite the twelve pints of beer inside him he sobers up pretty fast when one tells him he has a "verrry, verrry, preeetly leetle eyes......".

The rest of the bhoys fail to appreciate the noise that Cashel and Johnny make when they return to the barn, hammering bits of wood across the door to make certain those "ba5tard farmers don't get in !!"

Further problems with the locals occur in the morning when Matty's A-Team ringtone goes off ("Maffew, Maffew, where are you Maffew?") and the locals declare the phone to be evil and try to burn the "devil's friends" that brought it with them. And so for the second time in two days the bhoys are driving off at high speed away from a group of angry men who want to kill them.

Seven hours later the bhoys approach Paris with one night before their first game against the Paris Irish Centre U-18 side. This means a first sesh of the tour...

Part Three: 18 Go Out, and Twelve Come Home...

Finally shacked up in a proper hotel the bhoys prepare for a night on the town.

How to do your doo:

1. Take 3-4 oz. of Dax, or wax subsitute.

2. Rub gently between your fingers.

3. Apply to hair either by smearing across - 'The Phil Mann', rubbing it in with two fingers - 'The Alex or dipping your head into the tub - 'The Cashel'.

As usual the bhoys get seperated mid way through the night and end up at different places. The trio of Cashel, Johnny and Alex finish up in the middle of an opera in the cultured centre of Paris. Alex blames Cashel for taking the wrong route, Johnny blames Alex for being too drunk to navigate and Cashel blames Alex for being a twat.

Tom D, Damo and Keady meet Miles, Adam B and Keady in the biggest club in Paris, Chez Pussycat, and don't return home till five am.

Bobby and Quinny get sh1t-faced in an Irish theme pub and then leave to meet the others at Chez Pussycat. however they stop off down a sidestreet for a p1ss and end up being mugged by a homeless dwarf who they had accidently let rip all over. Too out of it to defend themselves they arrive back at the hotel without their watches, shoes, belts or wallets and in bobby's case, passport.

Brendan, Clarkey and Phil find and indie pub.

Cashel Alex and Johnny find the club they think the rest of the lads are in. sadly it is not 'Chez Pussycat', but 'Le Pussycat', a slight difference which becomes very important later on.

Tom G and Adam Lunn end up stranded from the rest of the group and, when someone ends up asking Adam for the time find themselves in a whole heap o'trouble.

Cashel, alex and johnny find that 'Le Pussycat' is, in fact, a strip joint and are mightily pleased - 'cept Alex who's missing Rachael after onlt four days on the road. Enticied up onto the stage by a Brazialian woman wearing only a g-string the lads soon find themselves drunk, naked and surrounded by women taking their clothes off. Sadly, this paradise lasts only until three am when the club closes and the lads realise someone has stolen all their clothes. the clubs management promises to sort them out with something to wear and go off to the costume department.

Early next morning (well, noon) Chris and Tony wake up the bhoys to prepare for their first game of the season - a 3pm kick off vs. Paris IC u-18's.

12:29pm - Still none of the bhoys are awake.

1:42pm - the first three lads make it down for breakfast before going back to bed.

2:20pm - All the bhoys are now up and several are supping a hair-of-the-dog.

2:48pm - They make it to the ground only to realise that they are missing Alex, Johnny, Cashel, Tom G and Adam Lunn. Even Adam's parole officer doesn't know where he is.

2:56pm Alex, Cashel and Johnny turn up at the ground in the clothes they were given by the club manager. Alex is dressed as Robin Hood, Cashel as Maid Marion and Johnny is the front end of a pantomime horse. As we are still two players short the Paris IC agrees to put kick off back half an hour.

3:12pm - The bhoys are now warmed up but still hung-over and are trying to keep themsleves amused until kick-off.

3:17pm - Cashel p1sses in Keady's pocket much to the enjoyment of the other lads. There will be hell to pay.

3:18pm - Hell is paid.

3:24pm - With McGowan out injured a starting place is guaranteed to Gubbini as soon as he turns up.

3:28pm - Gubbini is dropped off in a black maria, Adam L has to spend the night in the nick to answer questions regarding a serious assault the night before.

3:29pm - Keady gives his famous talk in the Huddle:

Keady's Team-talk©

Right lads, its going to be a tough game today. We know how good [insert name of opposition] are. We played them last time and only just [won/lost/drew] so we have to be on top of our game. tight at the back and no messing about. Alright? Okay lets......[is drowned out by Alex shouting and telling the other lads to keep moving]

3:30pm - kick off

3:31pm - Defensive fcuk up puts the bhoys one-nil down.

5:27pm- Quinny 'goes over on his ankle' (ie he can't be ar5ed playing all game cos it will cost him £2 and if he comes off now he only has to pay£1)

5:27:30sec pm - Donal comes on and is really p1ssed off cos the thirty seconds he will play will cost him a whole pound.

5:28pm - the game is over and despite a poor performance the Huddlers have won 4-1.

One game down the all the lads have to do now is break Adam Lunn out of prison (again) and sneak the passport-less Adam Bell and Bobby across the border into Belguim to continue the tour........

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Wow! An argument with the lasses that doesn't involve me.....

Nicely done Bren for having the first say on behalf of us in that very interesting argument between the IC ghirls (as they once were - or have they rejected us completely only now to be known as the Faliraki Doris?) and Zara, Lucy and Sarah ("nee-nee-nee-nee-nee" etc). Don't know how this has started becuase someone has been emptying the guestbook but its the best thing to watch since Kylie Minogue was last on tv.

Now I don't know the whole story (when has that stopped me before) but the loyalty of the bhoys is being called into question.  Firstly do we have to take sides? The lasses don't when we have arguments so should we when they have them.

But, should we side with Lucy (girlfriend of a lad we've known for sixteen years) and her two mates, both nice lasses who have never really done anything spiteful to any of us - would go to our fundraisers if it wouldn't end in a cat-fight -  and are always fun and chirpy when we see them on a night out?

Or should we take the side of a group of lasses who we have known for five years, one of who is a girlfriend of another of the bhoys (known for sixteen years again) who do go to nights out and fundraisers for us and who are also generally sound lasses?

Or should the lasses not drag us into their arguments and use us for a pointless game of one-up manship on a trio of lasses who really have never done anything wrong and seem to get abuse for absolutley nothing?

Allow us to make up our own minds. We are mature (despite what you think) and are perfectly able to decide for our selves who we are going to support if we choose to enter the argument at all. Besides, we probably won't because we fancy all of you anyway - especially that Sarah!!!

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The BIG INTERVIEW with....

Adam Lunn

Accused of never updating AVFTSL brings you an exclusive interview with IC's very own rock'n'roll star and Mr Personality himself, Adam 'Lightning Fingers' Lunn.

Melonhead: Hello Adam thanks very much for granting us this interview.

Adam Lunn: Ok

MH: Now, with the form of players such as Kitterick, O'Donnell and the newly signed Gubbini as well as the threat of Kalinowski and Clarke are you ever concerned that your place in the team is only reserved for days when the other players are injured, suspended or otherwise unable to play, and that as soon as they return you are put back on the subs bench?

AL: No

MH: So you are perfectly content to play a supporting, although vital role for the team as they challenge for both the league and the cup, despite your excellent form of late, which some say, should be rewarded with a first team spell of more than a couple of weeks?

AL: Yes.

MH: The signing of Gubbini was a long time in coming following a well publicised split through the team regarding whether or not further action should be taken towards transfers following Chattens pre-season arrival. Were you, yourself, for or against tranfers into the Irish Centre team? Do you agree with the signing of Gubbini?

AL: Yes

MH: Your well known for your rock band nOva, any news from the music secene, future gigs or a record deal perhaps?

AL: No

MH: You don't say a lot do you?

AL: No

MH: do you kiss your brother?

AT THIS POINT MR LUNN LEFT THE INTERVIEW.

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If I knew how to work this page I would be happy.....

Best question I've heard for a long time was gubbini asking 'Ere, which of you lot is gonna give up your web page for me?' I'm not but ask the others they might let you have it.

I'm going through a similar thing as Clarkey - my home computers cream crackered so I'm relying on college for a while. to everyone who is asking why my page hasn't been updated alot recently I'll tell you again. When I save the page it tells me there is a fault and it won't save any new stuff unless i delelete more than i've written. This means that the page will gradually get smaller unless I can solve this problem. I've tried to but all it seems to have done is get rid of all the pictures on the page which obviously isn't right.

Nothing happened this week as far as I know - havn't heard about Matty's court case (Free the Visage One !!) or Cashels third theory test - if anyones interested I failed mine on Friday - 29/35, ba5tard.

Big Brother - you call my page strange?????

And finally thanks to Bren for ending the rumours and posting a picture that proves just how skinny and under developed I am.

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Cup games, commitee meetings and a fixed competion...

Well, you didn't need me or Al for the game which by all accounts you won comfortably, I hear tales of backheels on the edge of your own area! hopefully we can either get Meltham in an early round and dispose of them quickly - or maybe we'll get them for the final (gotta get there first) but think of what a game that would be!

Commitee meeting tomorrow night, I will be late coz of work but i'm going to turn up this time - promise.

The Star-in-their-eyes was obviously a fix. Matty, Louise or Shane were the only contenders for the crown, Louise - best voice, Shane - best act and Matty - best crowd support. But Mariah Carey?! Fair enough she was alright but she wasn't in the same league as anyone else! If we didn't have to go to Warehouse I'd have said something. but we went to Warehouse where people found love (Johnny, Quinny and Matty oh no wait - Matty didn't did he?) Alex sang some song about me which was pretty good to be honest although ten seconds later neither he nor me could remember it.

OK, its that time of the year again, the time when those who have it flaunt it and those who don't wish they did but pretend they don't care - love. It's Valentines Day !! Altogether now......WHO GIVES A SH!T???

But some people do and while many of the IC lads are very much in love others tend to go from one lass to the next, no commitment, made up fone numbers and the line "of course I'll call you, yes Chris Keady is my real name" But the bhoys have attracted many fans over the years and it would be unfair to let them down, so I am proposing that if you have thang for any single IC lad leave your Valentine message on the guestbook where it will be laughed at and ridiculed by the bhoys themselves. Just to remind you, the lads who are single and free for love are: Adam Lunn, Johnny Kitterick, Damien Wood (go on Zara, it would make his millenium), Paul Quinn, Tom Davies (if the rumours are true), Brendan Shanahan, Simon Chatten and Matty Tattersley. Leave whatever kind of message you want and remember - its highly unlikely that the bhoys are desperate enough to follow it up ('cept maybe Damo).

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Sorry about the delay with updating after several nights out and one important game but my computer has gone to bollix.

Right then, the Meltham game. Sorry about the penalty lads, really, sorry. We proably could have battled back for a draw until some fcuking muppet stuck his hand out. Still though, we showed promise and didn't crumble when we could have done. Meltham were the bette team but then that's obvious as losing seven players would cripple any team in the league. A combination of bad luck, poor performances ('cept Bren obviously) sh1ts-n-giggles refereeing and weather prevented us from winning.

With hindsight this is actually a good result for IC, no seriously, hear me out. Last season we won the league becuase no one fancied us. We were the plucky (goodlooking) underdogs and were several miles behind Meltham at the top. But we battled to prove people wrong and came out on top .We went from being virtually the same YMCA side that regualrly lost 13-1 (Matty always scored) to being the double winning Irish lads.

This season we are the favourites, we know we can beat anyone and we are expected to. We found ourselves lonely at the top at Christmas and were so far ahead we were in danger of becoming complacent. This may be the kick up the ar5e that we need. We're still at the top but Meltham have reminded us that they're still right behind us. We are the best side in the league but we shouldn't act like it. We should remember being the underdogs and battling for every point, not going out, going through the motions (Dodworth game 0-0) and expecting to win.

Aim for the rest of the season: Do not lose again. Get back to full strength and show Meltham why we won everything in sight last year.

Everybody was kung-fu fighting...

Missed the street riots at Adam's do (but then so did he). Heard that Johnny stole Matty's thunder by diving to Lucy Whalley's rescue, and Keady lost his head. Wasn't there long so I don't have much to write about about from Adam's dignifyed position in the toilet.

You've been Nova-taken...

As first gigs go it was promising for Nova - they sounded better than their mini-disc. Lads, I'm gonna recomend you do some more pyschadelic stuff - Sgt. Pepper, The Coral etc. Go down that route coz that's the sound that suits you. Oh, and the Who.

Got smashed on whiskey's, cheers for the first one Bren. The rest were bought (as well as an absinth - that stuff would kill anyone so imagine what it did to Buggy-2-tin) by an oriental lass who works in the Camel club called (I sh1t you not) Garmaan. After getting paryletic and staggering out for fresh air I was ejected from the premises by the bouncers. This meant I missed "You don't know 'bout my crew/ you don't know what they do." and Johnny asking all the lasses from my work if they woul go with him - even asking please. Legend Johnny.

New made up list....

WHAT IF: the IC bhoys were songs?

Brendan: 'Sharp Dressed Man' - ZZ Top

Bobby: 'Boys Are Back In Town' - Thin Lizzy. But then Bobby wouldn't know coz he's never out (!)

Keady: 'Knight on the Town' - Kula Shaker. He's Joanna's knight. In white armour. That shines.

Damo: 'It Must Be Love' - Madness.Who knows just how much he really misses Zara?

Quinny: 'Day in, day out' - Feeder. Day in, day out, he's playing football, extra keen.

Miles: 'Right Here, Right Now' - Fatboy Slim. Giles' attitude to pulling. Any girl, right here, right now.

Clarkey: 'Sex, Drugs and Rock 'n' Roll' - Ian Dury and the Blockheads. He's in a band, got a girl, all he needs now is some good quality gear....

Alex: 'Dancng in the Street' - The Vandellas. A Motown classic for the boy who won't just dance on the street. He'll dance on the pavement, on the bar, in the cab, in the takeaway...

Tom D: 'Another One Bites the Dust' - Queen. Heard about the punch on the guy that Bren was holding....

Johnny: 'Last of the Bigtime Drinkers' - Stereophonics.

Adam L: 'Woke Up This Morning' - Alabama 3 (theme from the Soprano's). As in he woke up this morning and got himself a gun... (This was going to be 'Tramps Vest' by the Stereophonics: as in "there's more life, more life, more life in a tramps vest" but that' would just be tight. Besides I'm already feeling a bit guilty about Bobby's. Soz Bob.)

Cashel: 'Alcoholic' - Starsailor. Obvious really....

Adam B: 'Everything Must Go' - Manic Street Preachers. The attitude of Adam's stomach on Saturday night. Adam, just how many times were you sick?

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Sounds just like a conversation with Bren last week...

Another week another argument. I want to congratulate whoever wrote re: a view... on the guestbook coz they had the best alround argument

Firstly I want to apologise to Joanna. I have re-read what I wrote and yes, its harsh. I am sincerely sorry and I hope you accept.

I firmly stand by that Michelle was (amazingly) badly treated and that was unfair. Critisize me but at least by me bringing this up on the site it makes you all realise this. I wanna say again that I have never spoken to her. Until Friday I wasn't sure who she was. I'm standing up for me general principals here, not coz I prefer her over anyone.

Yes, Joanna and Keady's relationship is their business although I feel that Joanna kinda brought me into it when she told me to, and I quote, to "go fcuk yourself". But I'm not bitter, I realise that there were circumstances that make this a reasonably inconsequential remark. But, as someone has written on the guestbook, "defense is an automatic reaction when someones slags off you or your mates" and you did have a right go at me and Clarke. I admit what I wrote was wrong but I stand by the gist of it: Michelle did nothing wrong and Joanna was wrong.

I realise as well that the way I wrote the stuff below makes it look like I blame Joanna for having a go at Michelle, I do not. Who ever did it was wrong but I know and have known all along it wasn't Joanna, I just need to work on my English.

Keady is a mate and as one of the chaps I would not only give him all the money I have if he needed it but also one of my livers, I can live with one

Sorry

WHERE'S YOUR HEAD AT?

Poor first half performance which was certainly caused by the beer over the Xmas period. Through the first half we showed the occasional flash of the football that we know we can play, but with the determination, the hill and the Smirnoff against us it was always going to be difficult. The second half was better. A never-say-die/too-thick-to-know-we're-finished spirit as well as a good team effort pulled us through. Bobby was probably my man of the match (team ratings to follow in the next day or two) and I was going to have a go at Al becuase I thought he was going missing in the second half. Now that I know he was barely able to stand I'll take it back and both he and Sy did really well to carry on with their injuries. Not to keen on Quinny's new idea to get himself taken off with 3 1/2 seconds to go so he only has to pay £1 match fee coz it means I have to pay as well.

A credit to the party...

A superb night out on Friday, suited and booted it all went well - lack of a stripper though! Disappionted not to get into Warehouse although it did give Mel a chance to launch my brand new suit jacket into the biggest puddle in Huddersfield.

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(no) SEX &  (strong) DRUGS & (lots of fcuking loud) ROCK ‘n’ ROLL

Melonhead’s Step by Step Guide to the ASH gig:

Drink 1: Guinness 4:37, Bay Horse pub.

Meet two lads from work before I’m meant to be meeting Alex, Johnny and Liam at 5. The two guys are beginning a bender before one of the goes to Amsterdam. They’re knocking back shots like they’re going out of fashion. I manage to keep out of it but one of them tries to make me down a pint of Guinness (Drink 2) before him. I manage about ¾ of it before I feel sick. Alex turns up and tells me they’re going into town to get something to eat. One more pint (Drink 3) and then I set off to get them.

Drink 4: Carlsberg 5:24, IC.

We’re all here apart from Clarkey. Mill around talking about bol1ocks, who’s fit, who isn’t, what music’s crap, what isn’t, who’s up they’re own ar5e and who isn’t etc etc. I’m onto my second bottle of Holsten (Drink 6) when McGowan drops £17 on t’old bandit – cue one round of vodka shots (Drink 7) followed up by a snake-o with Al (Drink 8 6:55) before we leave for the train station. I buy a bottle of Bud (Drink 9) and a bottle of Holsten for the train journey (Drink 10) but the Holsten gets sprayed over Richard while he’s on the phone (puts me back down to Drink 9 again.)

It’s taken us 20 minutes or so to get our tickets from a machine we’re all too drunk to use before the train journey. We go to the toilet, making use of Leeds City Station’s (ahem) ‘special facilities’ and then proceed to the gig. We go the wrong way twice and decide that Cashel cannot make a joint (“oh no, drugs! How immature!” oh fcuk off and stop acting like a forty year old). It took three attempts in IC before finally getting it nearly right – just use some baccy next time ok? That stuff was fcuking strong and by this stage I am slightly fwacked.

Drink 10: Miller don’t know the time, Uni Student union.

Its fcuking hot in this place and the support band are nearly over – if your interested they’re call Seafood and they’re sh1te. Wander around for a bit. Find out the barstaff come from All Saints and that a vodka and red bull (Drink 11) is over a fiver. Ash are meant to be on at 9:30 so about ten minutes before this I go and buy three more pints and go strolling forward. Johnny takes one from me and by the time I reach the front of the stage I’ve drunk Drink 12 and Drink 13. All I remember now is feeling very drunk, very hungry, very hot and paranoid that someone’s going to pull the shirt that I’ve got tied around my waist off.

Finally Ash comes on. For the next two hours or so all I remember is jumping around and sweating a lot. I can remember several things while they were actually on stage but the rest has gone. I swear that the drummer from the Stereophonics was watching (if your interested his name is Stuart Cable and he looks like a horse). I saw Johnny about halfway through and, after I noticed how rough he looked I remembered that I was actually dying to throw up. Richard pulled twice and Alex spent the whole time with a fcuking huge smile on his face. Two people were going with each other next to us and Cashel him on the back of the head mid-snog. Also, the Ash guitarist, Charlotte Hatherley, made me realise that there is nothing as attractive as a girl playing a guitar with a nipple erection.

Got into Huddersfield at midnight and while Al, Liam, Johnny and Cashel went to the Warehouse (mosher ba5tards! What’s wrong with Viz?) I had to go home because a) I was skint  b) I was tired c) my clothes were drenched and I was freezing and d) I remembered I had to go and hug my toilet bowl.

 Melonhead’s Top Ten: Reasons to Be a Mosher

10. Cool clothes: Fat skate pants, Oakleys, baggy hooded tops and lots of wrist bands…no wait, that’s crap, I’ll try again.

9. Cool clothes: Suits, trainers and leather jackets (a la The Strokes) where its ok to be skinny with a big head (hooray!).

8. More drugs (“oh no, how immature etc”): Not that I’m into that sort of thing but honestly, it just gets handed around (ask Clarkey – not that he does it either) and most of the places you go to stink of the stuff anyway, let alone search you for it.

7: Skateboards: Yipee!

6: Less pressure: You can wear what you want, listen to what you want and you don’t get hassle (gay leather jackets anyone? Stick for listening to Kula Shaker in year nine etc.)

5: Better clubs: Alex, what was better, Ash and the Warehouse? Or Vis on a miserable Wednesday when half the people get i.d.’d, you spend a load but don’t get drunk, the place is dead and you get a ba5tard of a hangover for what was sh1t night anyway?

4: Better gigs: Ash – superb, say no more, Bryan Adams kinda ok, and then the Strokes, or go to see So Solid Crew and get shot?

3: Girls are better looking: The lads who were there on Friday will agree in fact, two words: Charlotte Hatherley.

2: Girls aren’t as uptight: Don’t give me sh1t for this but its true. Most mosher lasses don’t care if you drink, take drugs ("oh no") or go out all night, as they tend to be there with you doing the exact same thing. I’m not saying they all are or that other lasses are all uptight but generally they are a lot more chilled out.

1: Better music: Above all the music is better. What would you prefer Last Nite or Sweet like fcuking Chocolate? Tangled up in Blue or Uptown Girl? The Beatles or Blue? Radiohead or Craig David? The choice is yours.

Ladies and Gentlemen: The Lovely Charlotte Hatherley

(stolen from Richard Webster's page coz I couldn't be ar5ed finding one)

And to continue this Pro-Mosher shenanigans here is...

 Melonhead’s Top Ten: Albums of 2001

10. Elbow – Asleep in the Back

9. REM – Reveal

8. Anthology – The Best of Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

7. Feeder – Echo Park

6. Badly Drawn Boy – The Hour of Bewilderbeast

5. Muse – Origin of Symmetry

4. Ash – Free All Angels

3. Starsailor – Love Is Here

2. Turin Brakes – the Optimist LP

1. The Strokes – Is This It

Not sure if Badly Drawn Boy is this year, I think it is - if not I'll just stick U2 in even though that was definately last year.

Thanks to Cashel for coming out for my birthday even though he shafted me later on - where were you ya ba5tards?

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All this talk about holiday and the end of the college year has made me realise something, at the end of our holiday, the bhoys, and the lasses will never be together again. While this may not mean a lot to some of you, it does to us. Because of this, and also because some people have been asking me who are the ‘bhoys’ and 'how do you get to be one?' I will explain:

On the 9^th September 1987 a new year started at St Patrick’s Junior School in Birkby, and on the very first day a small group of lads got together. While some of them had known each other for many years before hand – some even from birth, this was the first meeting of the ‘Bhoys’, although then they were only little-bhoys. This first group all met on that day and have been together ever since: Donal, Tom, Brendan, Johnny, Miles, Keady, Cashel, Quinny, Matty, Bobby, Adam ‘Noddy’ Lunn, Clarkey. This first group have been together since the beginning and (if your interested) also knew Roseann and Sinead and Dawn – but not really ‘cause we weren’t interested in doris back then.

Seven years were spent together at that school and while the bhoys dealt with issues such as playing netball and throwing tantrums over tennis games several others dropped away – Thomas Ibbottson and Chris ‘Cream-one-off’ Chapman.

Then they moved to All Saints where they met the rest of the bhoys – Alex, Adam Bell, Damo, Simon

Then, on a Year–10 trip to Spain, me, Matty and (ahem) Kevin O’Brien went and met a load of lasses and we’ve been lumbered with them ever since (I’m gonna get sh1t for writing that).

So, the bhoys have been together for almost fifteen years, but this summer we will be going our separate ways (university, jobs, army, prison, dole queue, alc anon meetings) apart from Cashel who is going to stay where he is for a good four or so years yet - just think, the girls that he will be after are currently fourteen.

I know it’s a long way off, but as I’m getting all sentimental I have had an idea – this summer, either before or after whatever holidays, we have one big do at the IC. Over the top, whatever, suits, buffet, stippers, DJ, fine wines, Belgian chocolates, all of it for one final massive sesh (possibly as part of our presentation). Everyone invited and we can all get fwacked before we leave for good. What would be good is if we could get a lock-in at the IC (oh please God, just once!). I’m just thinking out loud there is nothing definate, tell me what you think, but it is worth thinking about, it could be good.

Either that or we find out if Feeder are touring.

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Alan Hansen joins AVFTSL to bring you his views on the Huddlers forthcoming season.

“ The bhoys did amazingly well to win the double last season and also to do it with the best defence in the league, but it will be harder this season. They are no longer the underdogs and there is going to be added pressure on them to perform as well as they have done.

They will be competing against Ossett Town in the league as well now and also there will be the threat of Meltham and the new YMCA side that looks impressive, only one new addition may be made but that may be all they need.

Chatten (if he signs) will find it hard to fight his way into a crowded midfield which has many talented players fighting for the few positions that the Huddlers formation allows them in the middle. The superb form of O’Donnell last season was both unexpected and good enough to keep Kalinowski on the sidelines, whether or not he can repeat it,it’s up to him to prove.

Up front Adam Bell scored an impressive 20+ goals but most of those were against weaker teams, especially the four against Beacon. His ability is not up for question but he should be scoring thirty odd in this league (Christ, if Dean Sykes can do it Adam certainly should….with just his right foot.) Johnny Kitterick started in blazing form last year and gained the first six points for the team with his goals, although not a natural striker he certainly has the skill and could be used as a kind of Sheringham type striker – linking the midfield and Adam upfront. This was shown in the final game against Beacon last year when, playing down hill, people were trying to score from 20+ yards when playing it on the ground and into Johnny’s feet would be far more effective.

The midfield looks solid enough with Tattersley’s forward runs and O’Donnell’s through balls. With Quinn moved into defense and Mann at wing-back there is a little of the pressure removed, but the late signing of Kalinowski added to it and with Chatten arriving they will be fighting for places.

Defensively the IC were superb with Keady’s reading of the game as sweeper and Wood’s superb man marking. Quinn can bring the ball out of defense and with Buggy a (reasonably) competent defender and Clarke a highly rated sweeper there is strength in depth and behind them Shanahan grew in confidence as the season progressed.

Un-sung hero of last season: Damien Wood: Only Chris Keady sang his praises last season but he has undoubtably improved in recent years and is propably the best man-marker in the league as he showed during the cup final. Expect another quiet but effective season.

Player with something to prove: Michael Clarke (oh god, I'm gonna get stick for this!) : a quiet season by his own high standards. His quality as a player is unquestionable but he rarely set games alight last term as we all know he can. Sometimes forced into more defensive positions but when he gets forward he can be devastating and he should be allowed to do this more often.

Problems with the opposition: Meltham’s non-existent team spirit probably rules them out (who else starts a hate-campaign against they’re best player on their own web site?). IC know they can beat Ossett Town but it will be hard. YMCA look good on paper – but then, they don’t play on paper do they?

Unforeseen problems: Away pitches: poor quality surfaces (stand up Meltham) could prevent IC playing their normal passing game.

Potential liability: Cashel McGowan: Unlikely to do much pre season training, the alcohol that’s now permanently in his system makes him dangerously close the edge. Most likely of the bhoys to be sent off – we can’t afford the fine and he won’t pay it, he is also least likely to finish the 90mins – his new shirt sponsorship with Regal saw to that. Perhaps a move upstairs to backroom staff is right……possibly as the ICFC Beverage adviser (for example: ‘Hey bhoys! Who wants a tequila?!)"

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What Lies Ahead…

August:

The first pre-season friendly sees Donal and Cashel carrying on where they left off at the start last season. With Cashel giving away three needless penalties Donal hits a hat trick of own goals (including one thirty yard left foot screamer) against Linthwaite U12 Girls 2nd XI. Paul ‘Sicknote’ Quinn damages his leg, which puts him out of action for a month.

IC are given a court order forcing them to always give new signing Mark Booth a starting place guaranteed, as he has a habit of twoc-ing opponents cars when he is sub. “At least we can keep an eye on him when he is on the pitch” says gaffer Chris Helliwell.

September:

IC are given a boost when Quinn announces himself fit and healthy and ready to play. Their joy is short lived, however, when a rogue eyelash puts Quinn out for a further three weeks.

Because of fixture congestion at such an early stage of the season, Beacon Rangers phone in ICFC’s six points for this year.

Alex’s cousin joins in a one month loan deal from Poland. “I want to experience the English culture and the English lifestyle” he says in an interview. He then goes out, drinks a skinful of Aussie lager, eats a Turkish kebab, an Indian curry, throws up in the Chicago Rock Café and then passes out in a Irish Theme pub.

Adam Lunn finally makes it back from Tenerife.

October:

Cashels liver finally packs up during Matty’s birthday night out. There is widespread outrage as Brendan wins the sweepstake. “I was sure his liver would have lasted longer than that,” says Damo, who had a fiver on it lasting till January.

Adam Bell sent off for what he later described as “friendly banter” with the ref. The referee states that what Bell said was false and insulting. His wife isn’t that energetic anyway.

Clarkey pointlessly has a go at someone on his web page.

With an important cup tie against Meltham to be played, manager Helliwell imposes an alchohol ban across the team for Johnny’s birthday. “Its for the sake of Quinny,” he explains, “having just come back from injury we need him fit for the game. All it would take is for him to buckle outside Sizzlers and he’s out.”

November:

Quinn falls down the stairs on the morning of the Meltham game and puts himself out for a fortnight. “They could have gone out for Johnny’s birthday after all,” says Helliwell

Dean Sykes chains himself to the front of the IC until the club agrees to sign him.

Richard Hanvey has a go at IC at 7 in the morning after the Huddlers cup victory. He is typing bitterness so fast his computer overheats, explodes and blows his bo1locks off.

It is discovered that Brendan is actually married and has four children, he just did it on the sly and didn’t tell anyone.

December:

Alex proposes going to Ayia Napa for Christmas and most of the lads (apart from Donal and Clarkey, who refuse to go on general principals) agree to the idea. Money is quickly collected and the bhoys are set to go until it all falls apart at the last minute. Apparently Alex was going to Rachel’s for Christmas dinner…

Quinny tweaks a buttock muscle getting off the treatment table and is out for two months.

Adam Bell, still to score this season: “ I am still aiming for 20 this season, of course there are no easy games in this league, apart from Beacon. Oh, and Cumberworth, and Thornes, and…”

January:  

Brendan gets a part time job as a body guard. Is fired when the man he is protecting gets shot. “I had it covered” insists the keeper…

Keady’s dad raises £8,182 for the IC fund-raiser in a non-stop swear-a-thon. Tommo’s sponsored head shave raises just 12p.

February:

The bhoys decide not to break the habit of a lifetime and don’t receive any Valentines. “struggle weh” an ICFC spokesperson states.

Quinny trips over his crutches and breaks his ankle

A stupid holiday swap scheme with the girls at college sees the lasses going off for two weeks to the Med while the sixteen IC lads (and Tom Davies) get stuck with a three person caravan in Droitwich.

Angry at the bad pop music going around Clarkey starts his own record label. Signs 20 bands that only Donal and Johnny have vaguely heard of and launches an assault on the music charts.

Cashels beer belly is removed through liposuction paid for by Phil who was sponsored to go for a week without doing his doo. The blubber removed is sent to Romania where its used to provide housing insulation for 32 families of refugees and orphans.

March:

All fixtures for this month are cancelled as the bhoys warm up for St Patricks Week. Despite rigorous preparations (which included having another liver implanted) only five of them make it through the full seven days.

Donal throws a hissy fit when his nickname of ‘Melonhead’ is given to Thomas Helliwell. Says his brother Bobby “to be honest its not Tom’s fault. He just has a big head, but fair play all the same. His doo lets him down a bit though.”

Adam Lunn is kicked out of his house for ‘raucous’ behaviour and ends up having to live in the IC pool table.

Matty is arrested for flashing and is found to have a fetish for wearing womens underwear. Apparently it all stems from a thong he found after a night out last year…

April:

Chris Keady regrets putting on such a good performance as Father Christmas at the IC Christmas Party when he is told that he has to be the Easter Bunny or else he’s dropped.

Paul Quinn makes his first appearance and plays through the pain barrier for a vital cup semi final. Scores an 89th minute winner with his left crutch. Is put out for the rest of the season with a snapped spine when the team and all the supporters jump on him in celebration.

Clarkey’s record label pays off when he gets the Gallagher brothers for the IC presentation night and manages to get off with Patsy Kensit.

May:

Alex finally plays a decent game in the cup final when surrounded by supporters, photographers, journalists and football scouts (coincidence?). Scores the winner (again) and Bobby smokes 48 cigars afterwards.

Following Town’s relegation to Division Three a swap deal with IC is arranged. Town get LRPF while IC move to the McAlpine. A Huddersfield spokesman says “It’s a decent stadium and it deserves a decent team. Lets face it, IC are the best team this side of the Pennines.’

Sven Goran Eriksson joins the IC board and leaves after just two meetings when it transpires that in Gerry Quinn and John Keady, the Huddlers backroom staff know more than he does.

The league is sealed when Chris Keady scores his only goal of the campaign in a 1-0 win. IC set their sights on Premiership football within the next eight years but are given it two months later when a typing error puts them in the Premiership and moves Everton to Huddersfield open age. Surprisingly no one notices (does any one ever notice Everton?) and the bhoys manage to get into Europe through the Intertoto cup.

Shockingly Chris Helliwell resigns from the club and is replaced with Sunday Best Joe. “It’s a wrench to leave the club I love,” says Helliwell “ but you can’t really turn down the England job.”

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