intheteam - The Teuchters

21/3/2001 22:18 GMT

the mack

teams from sat 10/03/01 white: scotty,poolq,keith,colin,rich dark: step,fred,fraz,mack,nick Dark won by 4. teams from sat 17th march. White:linds,nick, step, rich,poolq. Dark: keith, fraz, colin,mack, mill Whites won by 4.

7/3/2001 21:19 GMT

the mack

report from 24/2/01. teams: dan, mack, nick, rich,step V poolq, andy,keith and fraz. As craig chose to 'do a louis' it was decided that after a team juggle a draw would be a fair result. Given the one sided matches we have had lately this turned out to be an enjoyable game and hearty handshakes all round. Report from Sat 3/3/01 teams as chosen by poolq. Dark: nick, keith, rich,colin (welcome back, mack white: Poolq, andy,step, fraz and Ted (evn longer welcome back) 'fraid this was another of those one sided affairs though to be fair is stayed quite close initially. Keith was wearing his shooting shoes this week and the whites were not. Thyme was called a few minutes early as there seemed to be some hefty tackles going in. A winning margin of 7 for the darks. Here hoping for a closer game next week!

2/3/2001 09:04 GMT

Lindsay

What was last Sats. result? I don't see any report!

24/2/2001 19:18 GMT

Anders Blade

Lindsay, Before attempting to send anything via Email to Hutch, please endeavour to strip out any nasty viruses you may have picked up - esp computer related ones. This way John & I remain gainfully (sort of) employed and the Ogilvie Group continues to trade as a going concern. Thanks and that.

19/2/2001 15:48 GMT

The Masked Avenger

Sat 17/2.Darks:Keith,Richard,Step,Mack, Craig Woodburn;Whites:Andy,Nick,Dan, Pool Q,Lindsay. Last minute shoogling of the teams after an official protest (tantrum?)was lodged by a member of the Darks line up. Early play pointed towards a Darks victory with Keith and Richard happily bouncing people around, the Mack slide tackling for Scotland and Step charging puposefully down the left wing. Step indeed seems to have been eating extra rations of porridge as he thundered in a series of powerful left foot shots. So powerful that Pool Q (in goal at the time)was barely able to complete Jessie-like evasive manouevers before the ball was bending the back of the net. The Whites looked in trouble before a strange goal when Step seemed in control just outside the Darks area only for Nick to somehow prod the ball into the net. Step looked considerably peeved and a brief debate with Nick of the less than intellectual variety ensued. Whatever had happened the goal was allowed to stand. Prominent for the Whites was recently signed Irishman Dan Mulhall, who put himself about at the back with a number of lusty challenges and adopted a shoot on sight policy when moving forward. Comment was heard among the crowd that the game appeared faster than in recent times ("These fat bastards irnae as slow is thae used to be!"),and the Whites established a good lead. Trying to play a quick passing game, the Whites scored a number of fine goals. Lindsay as ever was everywhere, Nick and Andy provided the nice touches and Pool Q and Dan supported willingly. For the Darks the ever improving Richard was prominent, his fitness and refusal to be beaten easily, complimenting Keith's headlong rampages ans Step's industry. Richard's efforts were rewarded with an excellent goal, the Big Man storming on to a cutback from Keith and blasting it into the top corner - "YESS!, Beezer! etc". Unfortunately for the Darks Keith's shooting radar was on the blink, so much of their good work went unrewarded. Towards the end the Darks looked set to rally as one or two of the Whites (i.e. Nick) tired visibly, but two thumping finishes from Dan rocked the Darks at just the right time, and at "That's Time!", the Whites were winners by four. One or two of the Darks were less than impressed and brief huffs were evident as the teams left the field. Incidentally, fans of our fashion pages should note that The Mack (not guilty of the huffiness it should be said)was sporting a splendid Captain Birdseye beard.This gave his exocet missile type sliding tackles an even more intimidating aspect than usual, although he seemed disappointed at the lack of actual bodily harm resulting from all of his hard work. Still there is always next week.

13/2/2001 10:14 GMT

Pool Q

Lindsay. Can you e-mail me (John.Hutcheon@ogilvie.co.uk) with your new phone number - I've lost it? Can you play this weekend?

12/2/2001 15:01 GMT

Pool Q

Sat.10/2.Dark:Fraser,Fred,Keith,Richard,Nick;White:Andy,Step,Mack,PoolQ,Scotty. A relatively late call off from Lindsay and complete apathy from those approached to replace him resulted in a guest appearance from Iain "Scotty" Scott. Unfortunately Keith had picked the teams before Lindsay had called off, and a straight replacing of the Shetland Dervish with Scotty (skillful, but never going to be accused of being industrious) ensured the recent trend of right, royal reamings was maintained. Remind me never to consult any of these clowns on financial matters. From the start the Darks took control, with the combined aggression and fitness of their team sticking the proverbial 10 foot pole up the jacksies of the poor, quivering Whites. Scotty was easing himself in (very) gently, and Step (after 3 weeks on the skite)was not his usual self. Andy was left to carry the whole team, with willing huffing and puffing (but little else) from Pool Q and The Mack. The Whites performance can be summed up by the fact that of a grand total of 4 goals, Pool Q got 3 of them. Despite being totally one sided some niggle was evident with The Great White Buffalo using his elbows effectively in Nick like fashion, causing a girlie huff from Pool Q, and 2 or 3 altogether more masculine slide tackles (aka lunges) from The Mack. There was a pleasing symetry in the in the usual "inside" nonsense with Nick and The Mack combining a complete inability to judge the matter with a readiness to proffer their opinions. Big Gordy would have been proud of them. Keith rampaged around like a Bull Elephant with a cattle prod up his bahook, and Richard (looking fit and huge)kicked me several times. Fraser worked hard, and with able support from Nick and Fred the Darks sailed into a huge lead. Two incidents encapsulate this game. Firstly Fred collected a pass right in the corner against the wall and proceeded to run from there round his marker (I think it may have been Andy) at less than breakneck speed and stroke it with Gallic panache into the top corner. Secondly Nick got the ball on the edge of the box unmarked. His initial shot was saved by Pool Q in goal but rebounded straight to Nick. With the Whites gathered around admiring all of this from their deck-chairs Nick had time to gather it again, control it and rifle it past a spluttering, and snottering Pool Q ("Marking!","Somebody", "F***s Sake!"). Nick turned away chuckling and trotted back to half way. And that really is about it. The Mack tried to help by some creative accountancy on the score but by this time the Whites were face down in the dirt anyway and it was a blessed relief when Mack called events to an end with "That's Time" with the Darks 7 or 8 up. Next week we are going to try something novel like having even teams and a reasonably close game which would improve things.

5/2/2001 22:16 GMT

Lindsay

Sat.3rd Feb. The poor wee monkey, complete with learning difficulties, a gammy leg and an earse like a pound of liver, got it wrong again. Who did pick the teams? Suggestions in a brown paper package to.... Anyway, onto the game. Whites: Mac, Sean, Lindsay, Nick & Fred. Darks: Andy, Keith, Fraser, Richard & Neil (a new face to Leith). The openning 20 minutes were an Alan Hansen dream - 0-0 with both defences on top, or was it that no-one could be bothered to run into the oppositions half, saving energy for the later stages. The deadlock was broken by the dark team. However, the game then took on a look of table-tennis when the score was levelled only for the darks to continually add an extra goal to stay one up. Controversy was never far away with the 'was-he-in-the-box-or-was-he-not?' argument rearing it ugly head again. (He was. Or was he?) Keith was having one of his couln't hit a brick shyte house with a Howitzer kind of games, though with Le Shat in splendid goalkeeping form it may not have mattered. Eventually in the last 15 minutes the whites, using all their guile, quickwittedness and a fair amount of luck, ran up a score which almost reached the reaming mark.Pool Q was in brilliant form, according to his account of the red lights of Amsterdam and I have to go to get dish Number 13 from a far-east take-away or 'That's Thai M'.

1/2/2001 15:28 GMT

Gordy Mill

Nick, my e-mail is g1millar@uk.ibm.com. Send me the stuff in an attachment. Available next week ?, nae bother big man.....in before the Hutch

30/1/2001 14:55 GMT

Pool Q

Always essential when on the wrong end of a reaming to get the match report in quick in case one of your team mates tries to pin the blame on you. I'd just like to say that, with regard to the Whites, non of the c***s play like that when they are in my team. Oh, and another thing, my goal was brilliant by the way. Next week, a Monkey with learning difficulties and a typewriter is picking the teams, which can only be an improvement. Bring back Fred. Available for selection on my return from Amsterdam. Up ye!

27/1/2001 16:52 GMT

Nick

Helpmabob, not the most evenly balanced game in the history of the world.White:Andy,Keith,Lindsay,Richard & Aitchie. Dark: Millar, Mack,PoolQ,Nick and Fraser. The whites were loaded with pace, youth, skill and to top it off they all seemed to have their shooting boots on, the Darks had none of the attributes previously mentioned and as a consequence were shat upon from a very great height. That said, the Darks could have stormed into a 3-goal lead within the first five minutes, had Nick not been in spectacularly Fatarse mode. Once the opportunities subsided the whites gained control and never let up. The Shetland Dervish was buzzing around like some enormous flying wasp and for some reason best known to the Gods was blistering everything into the back of the net. Keith�s confidence was such that he was beating people for fun, in particular one gaol where he beat every Dark player drifted across the (missing) defence and then had the audacity to thump it diagonally back across the face of goal into the top corner. Millar possibly growled with indignation but this was drowned out by Richard shouting "BEEZER" or some other totally inappropriate non-fitba�terrace phrase. In addition the Darks were heard to say, "Now that's no fair". The Darks tried their best to stem the waves of attack but, in truth, they were mince. Towards the end of the game a sublime moment of skill at pace (- aw c'mon stop exaggerating) by Pool Q. The ball was hoofed to Nick poaching on the left of the park, who basically booted the ball as high in the air as possible. Pool Q breaking from defence, kept his steely gaze on the ball, never wavering, never blinking and, as the ball fell to knee height he caught it on the volley and placed it with great aplomb, past a flailing Keith in goals, into the top corner. It was small consolation for the Dark team as, on the basis we got humped 14 -7 it was like farting against thunder. Mack then had his thunder stolen as Pool Q, disgusted with life in general shouted "That's 'kin time, fur 'k's sake" a full two minutes before the allotted time - just as well really. Next week, it is proposed someone not "having a laugh" or spaced out their heads on drugs should get to pick the teams.

24/1/2001 13:16 GMT

Nick

Shorty, you should have put the e-mail address you are using in and then I could have replied to you. Perhaps a bulletin board would be a better idea as the guestbook is traditionally for match reports. Gordy Millar could you enter your e-mail address and I'll amil you the log-in details so you can try to upload the league cos i'm useless.

23/1/2001 16:42 GMT

Step

Hello The Teuchters Im abit squiffy but thought I let yoos know that still available for selection on the whatever date itis two weeks on Saturday. I've been keeping my left foot finely honed and am ready for action should my services be required. I've managed a couple of mazy runs myself, hit the cross-bar once and had one cleared off the line. Maybe I should try a different position. I have found my nose acts as the perfect braking mechanism as I plough headfirst down the slopes. Sorry I have to go someone has just called "That's Time"

21/1/2001 15:53 GMT

the mack

The Mack is back and this season I be wearing my hair on my face, though still less chic than man machine Keith. This week the teams lined up as follows: Dark: PoolQ, nick, Andy, Lindsay and Mack; Whites: Big Gordy, Richard, Keith, Jim and a sadly ill Sean. On paper the teams looked to be in favour of the whites, but, as the Moby chanteuse would say, ooh lordy lordy!! how the whites missed the dazzling runs, shooting and general good footballship of The (big) Sean. It became apparent very quickly that the darks were never going to be in any danger of losing much as Mack tried to shoot himself in the foot and the ball anywhere other than the opposition goal or a member of his own team. Well the lay off since last December was lying heavily on his mind, thighs, stomach, chin and arse. The game ended 10minutes early and all involved should be grateful that Sean turned up at all. Only one call off for next week (Sean) with big gordy picking the teams. That's time!

18/1/2001 16:43 GMT

Nick

I'd just like to proffer another version of "that" goal. Andy had made a great diagonal run to the right, dragging Fred with him, and took the ball in his stride, at the same time, having made a great run to the edge of the penalty area, Nick shouted "Andy edge" whereby the Stirling based skelf of a lad casually back flicked it sweetly over the collection of defending clowns, Nick saw it late, took it about knee height, caught it perfectly and in it flew top left corner. Although there was a whispered "aw for "uck's sake" there was a general silence which this correspondent took as awe.

17/1/2001 15:54 GMT

Pool Q

Saturday 13/01/01. White: Pool Q, Gordy Millar, Lindsay, Fred, Keith; Darks: Nick, Step, Andy, Richard, John-Paul (JP). OK, so we have all changed over the years - Gordy Millar no longer has 'that' hairstyle, Andy no longer has hair, Step isn't tall anymore, and Nick? Well lets just say there is more to Nick than there used to be. However noone has ever changed as much, in so little time, as Fraser did between the last and this week. He metamorphosised from a Scottish, Boy Band lookalike into a 6ft Englishman called JP. In fact Fraser had been replaced on the team sheet by a friend of his who was on a weeks trial from Leeds. JP must have thought that the quality of the game in Scotland was as bad as he had heard as the Darks romped into a 6-1 lead. The Whites were pish. Pool Q and Lindsay "Ten Touch" Oddy ran about, but never in the right direction. Keith breenged but couldn't deliver the telling pass, Fred was busy ironing a crease into his pristine new French away kit, and Gordy Millar (with a humungus hangover) concentrated on not falling over. The Darks had all the time on the ball required, with no challenges being offered by the Whites. Furthermore the Whites wasted what chances they did manage to create through woeful finishing. Step was heard to volunteer to go in goal for the Darks as it was the one place he could be sure the Whites wouldn't hit the ball. Fred caught the eye when he collected the ball near his own goal area, twirled around a bit, skipped that way, feigned the other, dummied, pirouetted and looked for the telling pass. Regrettably however he had omitted to take the ball with him, and in the mean time a rather puzzled looking Andy had strolled onto the ball and reamed it into the top corner. The nadir for the Whites was a superb goal by Nick (how it pains to write this). Andy was running headlong into the corner and Fred had him in his sights for a Gallic boot in the calf. Andy (perhaps sensing this) flicked up a back heel towards the penalty spot where Nick was loitering. Pool Q thought he had Nick covered, but the West Coast maestro nonchalanatly stroked a left foot volley into the top corner. Pool Q wept. At this stage Fred decided enough was enough and demanded more effort from the Whites. He set an example by booting Step from behind (who this week was impersonating a guy shot at point blank range by a shot-gun) Nick fashion. Fired up by this Keith suddenly got his shooting radar working, and Gordy Millar sobered up and delivered a celebratory howk on Andy. The Whites slowly clawed their way back into the game. The momentum was now with them, and the Darks were rattled, with Step and Richard (aka The Great White Buffalo) having a bit of a strop with each other, and JP giving it the "calm down,calm down" treatment. In the final minutes it was all to play for and goals from Keith and Fred brought scores level. Much huffing, puffing and heaving ensued, but a chant of "Zaats Time" from Fred brought proceedings to an end with the scores level. A famous fightback from the Whites. Next week sees this years first appearance from the Drem Terminator so shin guards all round are advised.

17/1/2001 15:54 GMT

Pool Q

Saturday 13/01/01. White: Pool Q, Gordy Millar, Lindsay, Fred, Keith; Darks: Nick, Step, Andy, Richard, John-Paul (JP). OK, so we have all changed over the years - Gordy Millar no longer has 'that' hairstyle, Andy no longer has hair, Step isn't tall anymore, and Nick? Well lets just say there is more to Nick than there used to be. However noone has ever changed as much, in so little time, as Fraser did between the last and this week. He metamorphosised from a Scottish, Boy Band lookalike into a 6ft Englishman called JP. In fact Fraser had been replaced on the team sheet by a friend of his who was on a weeks trial from Leeds. JP must have thought that the quality of the game in Scotland was as bad as he had heard as the Darks romped into a 6-1 lead. The Whites were pish. Pool Q and Lindsay "Ten Touch" Oddy ran about, but never in the right direction. Keith breenged but couldn't deliver the telling pass, Fred was busy ironing a crease into his pristine new French away kit, and Gordy Millar (with a humungus hangover) concentrated on not falling over. The Darks had all the time on the ball required, with no challenges being offered by the Whites. Furthermore the Whites wasted what chances they did manage to create through woeful finishing. Step was heard to volunteer to go in goal for the Darks as it was the one place he could be sure the Whites wouldn't hit the ball. Fred caught the eye when he collected the ball near his own goal area, twirled around a bit, skipped that way, feigned the other, dummied, pirouetted and looked for the telling pass. Regrettably however he had omitted to take the ball with him, and in the mean time a rather puzzled looking Andy had strolled onto the ball and reamed it into the top corner. The nadir for the Whites was a superb goal by Nick (how it pains to write this). Andy was running headlong into the corner and Fred had him in his sights for a Gallic boot in the calf. Andy (perhaps sensing this) flicked up a back heel towards the penalty spot where Nick was loitering. Pool Q thought he had Nick covered, but the West Coast maestro nonchalanatly stroked a left foot volley into the top corner. Pool Q wept. At this stage Fred decided enough was enough and demanded more effort from the Whites. He set an example by booting Step from behind (who this week was impersonating a guy shot at point blank range by a shot-gun) Nick fashion. Fired up by this Keith suddenly got his shooting radar working, and Gordy Millar sobered up and delivered a celebratory howk on Andy. The Whites slowly clawed their way back into the game. The momentum was now with them, and the Darks were rattled, with Step and Richard (aka The Great White Buffalo) having a bit of a strop with each other, and JP giving it the "calm down,calm down" treatment. In the final minutes it was all to play for and goals from Keith and Fred brought scores level. Much huffing, puffing and heaving ensued, but a chant of "Zaats Time" from Fred brought proceedings to an end with the scores level. A famous fightback from the Whites. Next week sees this years first appearance from the Drem Terminator so shin guards all round are advised.

8/1/2001 16:34 GMT

Pool Q

Saturday 8/1/01. Dark:Pool Q,Step,Andy, Fraser, Aitchy; White:Gordy Millar, Keith, Richard, Nick, Fred. First game of the New Year, with one or two players (OK all of us) all too obviously showing the effects of a full-on batter over the Festive Season. Picture Stevie Fulton in 10 years time, when he has taken up his new career as a Mars Bar rep and that pretty much covers it. Running about - that'll be right. Honourable exceptions in the (considerable) shape of Big Richard, who rampaged around like a crazed buffalo on speed (though the buffalo probably has a better understanding of marking) and to a lesser extent Fraser who, to the delight of the local pre-pubescent girls, seems to have kept himself in reasonable trim. Mumping could be heard from the Darks about the teams, but as the Whites were fielding a trialist in the shape of Aitchy, their complaints were discounted. The worries of Nick and Gordy seemed justified when after a few minutes Aitchy finished off a good move by the Darks with a firmly hit shot into the bottom corner. This was followed a minute later with a fine finish by Fraser, and Gordy and Nick could be seen consulting in the middle of the park as to who got to kick Pool Q first because of the teams. However it became clear that so profound was the lack of fitness amongst the Darks that the Whites (despite being a right bunch of fat b******s, and with Keith seemingly restricted by injury)fought their way back into the game. Scores were levelled at 2-2, with Gordy Millar giving a fine cameo at centre forward before retiring (when knackered) to his normal role at the back impersonating a Rome Traffic Policeman. Nick was forthright in his challenges, pleasing the gallery with his customary toobering of Step about 20 minutes into the game. The tackle was robust, although Step's impersonation of a guy who had stood on a land-mine was also worthy of praise. Chunter, chunter, arse, cynical foul, etc. Incidentally, scientists are said to be examining the curious fact that it is not the case that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line when the points concerned are a Dark's player and the ball, and Nick's elbows are in the vicinity. Aitchy (making his first indoor appearance) stuck in manfully but his frequent forays into his own box had Gordy's eyebrows twitching furiously. How much fun (and how many penalties), one wonders, could the sadly absent Mack have had. Fred incidentally was resplendent in a pristine new white French kit, which made his fannying about at the back all the more noticeable. The game was close throughout but the Darks rallied towards the end with a fine move from The Pass-To-Each-Other-Brothers resulting in a thunderous left foot finish from Step. Moments later Pool Q had the simplest of tasks to roll in a goal from the edge of the box,following skillful interplay between Andy and Fraser. Two up going into the last 5 minutes was always going to be enough for the Darks despite the best efforts of the Whites. Richard, prominent throughout with his industrious running and voluble cajoling of his colleagues to "at least walk fast!" gave his all but it was not to be. A good, close game to start the year but it is to be hoped that a few of the players will be able to bring themselves up to match fitness in the weeks to come - perahps just the six pints on a Friday night? Ah well, here we go again.

29/12/2000 18:12 GMT

Henry

So Andy is the player's player - as he should be if he coming down from his new abode in Fife to play. Portland is just those few extra miles too far. Playing a bit of 'soccer' over here. Trained with a good 11-a-side team over the summer, but didn't make the cut. Mainly because 'wildly out of the position on the left' didn't match their formation. Quality of football suprisingly high, but banter somewhat lacking. Happy New Year to all. Keep up the match reports, the quality of jornalism no doubt exceeds that of the football :-)

29/12/2000 12:06 GMT

Nick

A quick entry to draw a line under season 2000. At the annual gala dinner the awards for the season were as follows. Points Player of the season: Mac. Percentage player : Lindsay Player's Player : Andy. Most games played : Andy. ( Jill was really pleased about that one given how attractive the trophy is -NOT ). The evening was a highly sociable affair, pre-meal drinks at Bennets, an excellent meal at The Apartment, Bruntsfield Links then on to the Golf Tavern until Millar decided AfterShocks were in order. After two of them the world looked a lot different. There were a couple of lightweight leaving early performances - you know who you are. Performances, lack of performances, goals, finishing, toe pokes, goalkeeping, frenchness, lack of frenchness etc were all discussed through the course of the evening. The consensus was season 2000 had been a great one and age continues to be defied as we grace the pitch for another year. The assumption is 2001 will be even better and with Step scoring his first goal with his right foot for 16 years could it be a season of unbelievable achievements, raising the performance bar still higher in the pursuit of all that is great & good in the beautiful game that is "the FITBA". Yer *rse.

11/12/2000 14:38 GMT

Pool Q

Saturday 9th December. Better traffic conditions and Keith's sphincter combined to allow kick-off on time for once. Dark: Pool Q, Keith, Richard, Step,Fred; Whites: Mack, Gordy Millar, Andy, Lindsay, Nick. Andy Blade appeared bleary eyed after a 4.00am finish to some Xmas festivities, and some worries were expressed regarding the state of Nick's match fitness by one or two ill advised observers (i.e. Pool Q and Andy). From the off the whites took the game by the scruff of the neck, playing a one touch, give-and-go type of game that the Darks simply couldn't emulate. Those two old, wise heads, Mack and the Millar man, controlled the game from the back dealing easily with most of the Darks laboured forward moves and then releasing the ball early to the ever eager Andy and Lindsay up front. Nick provided the perfect link man in the middle, if for no other reason than that was always where he was standing. In contrast the Whites never took one touch where ten would do, and numerous moves broke down with one or other of them charging aimlessly into the massed ranks of the Darks defence, whilst the rest of the Whites team hung around unmarked on the edge of the box wondering if they could pop off and do the Xmas shopping before Keith even thought about giving a pass. Language scholars are investigating if "early ball Fred" translates into French as "take the ball in space, run that they, then the other, spin around a bit, get half tackled by Nick, collect the ball again and the sclaff the ball straight at big Gordon who has had time to run back from the opposition penalty spot in the meantime". Andy blade gave a virtuoso performance of close control/drunken stumbling, several times charging into a thick crowd of Dark shirts only to somwehow emerge at the other side with the ball still in the vicinity of his feet. Lindsay, who had earlier taken a good hit square in the chackers, was everywhere and your correspondent for one was desperately close to toe-ending him up the khyber.The developing tradition of Nick's weekly howk was maintained when he became involved in a viscious cat fight of a tussle in the corner with his regular foil Step. All dandered up by this point Nick also had leg and elbow flashing incidents with Fred and Keith, although nothing of note resulted. The Whites always seemed in control but somehow, with about 20 minutes left, the Darks clawed their way back into the game and actually got level - making allowances for sundry "the scores are level/no we're one up/yer arse", "inside!/f**k off, never" etc etc incidents. In the final minutes however normal service was resumed. The Whites having drawn level by adopting a passing game, pulled a tactical masterstroke by reverting to the running single handed into a blind alley policy. This was rewarded with a fully justified reaming, and at "That's Time!" the Whites were deserved winners by a clear 5 goals.

3/12/2000 13:33 GMT

the mack

Due to commitments in the SPL (sick persons league) the game on 25/11/00 was reduced to 4-a-side. It has to be said, however that the tap-dancing hordes witnessed a fine display and the debut of international 'star' Dan the left foot man, a recent signing from the Irish Consulate. An interesting last-man-in game unfolded -- luckily Richard was not present as this would have given him carte-blanche to wander in and out of the area more than normal. An honourable draw was decided as the result before kick off ( how fixed odders would like Turf accountants to do likewise) A good run out was had by one and all and in the age old tradition of new conscripts, Dan is now away to Australia 'til mid January. As the herboligists are often heard to utter- thats Thyme!

22/11/2000 17:51 GMT

Nick

Could all Teuchters Team members mail me their E:mail addresses. Mine is nick.geldart@fleet.gecapital.com. Lindsay could you mail me the past two seasons Final League tables and this years current...soon to be final standings??

21/11/2000 20:08 GMT

Step If you thought Davy Cooper was one footed Ste

I refer to my so called footballing colleague Nick's match report for Saturday 18th November. I am not sure which game he was a)playing in - though I use the term lightly b) reporting on or D) what happened to C I am forgive his cynical challenges, the likes not seem since on a football pitch since the days of Souness and Gentile, but I cannot abide in-accurate reporting of the match score. Every shoolboy worth his salt knows that when a team, in this case White, wins by one goal this means a one goal margin. Not as the author reported a two goal margin. No wonder our country's industry is today is in such mess if we have senior managers from large corporations who cannot work out their margins correctly. Regards A disillusioned Left-footer

20/11/2000 16:17 GMT

NIck

Saturday 18th November. Mac was late, chuntering on about traffic. But it has happened a few times of late..."topic for the night out " Mac should be banned sine die" Discuss. Powerful teams on show Whites: Andy Bald, Shetland Dervish, FatArse Nick, Better Late than never Mac and Millar Darks: Mad Mental Elbows Keith, Step, Big Chump, Pool Q and Fred Pratini. Very tight game from the off and there was never more than two in it all the way through. Step was at it early on, falling over and accusing Nick (who was miles away) of a cynical tackle. Nuff said. The game moved on apace with the Darks failing to pass the ball very well at all, this failure was exaggerated by the Whites performing at a frightening level like a well oiled machine. Richard was having difficulty staying out the area when not in goals and staying in the area when in goals - a penalty was inevitable with Mac scrutinising every event. However with Fred's "French cat like" vibes wafting across the void, Nick made an **se of the penalty blasting AT LEAST 6 ft past the post. Andy Blade had a nasty scare when he got the ball full in the chakkers which brought a tear to his eye and a bit of a "poove like gait" immediately after as he made sure he was light on his loafers to avoid further testicular jangling. Pool Q had boundless energy and did a masterful impersonation of Arnold Schwarzenegger in "The Running Man". Rumour has it Pool Q will appear in the sequel "The Run Around Like A Headless Chicken Who Couldn't Hit A Barn Door At Five Paces Man.." (a bit offside that - I'm sure I'll pay for that). Whites kept there noses on front but only just, Millar feigned injury so he could poach up front, before realising Fatarse was knackered and offered a swap. The Shetland Dervish had a quiet last fifteen minutes as his contact lens rotated up into his eye socket leaving him to run around aimlessly (nothing unusual in that) but with a Quasimodo like twitch, which if repeated on the 9th of December means we will have nae chance of getting in anywhere (The Golf Tavern is already off limits). The game ended with a win the Whites by a hard fought two goal margin, but football was the real winner here...who writes this pish???

14/11/2000 11:00 GMT

Andy Blade

The Blade has moved. With immediate effect my details are as follows: Andy 'The Blade' Blade 47 Abbey Mill Stirling FK8 1QS Tel: 01786 475458 Thanks very much, Etc.

13/11/2000 20:51 GMT

Pool Q

Saturday 11th November. A 9.30 kick-off with the teams lining up as follows- Dark: Richard, Craig , Gordy Millar, Sean, Colin; Whites: Fraser, Gordy Mack, Lindsay, Step, Pool Q. The game began at a somnambulistic pace with most of the players still waking/sobering up. Gordy Millar had a whiff of a tramp who had had a bit of a bad run recently, and hit the Buckfast big time. A sour note early on when Colin blootered a shot from 15 yards which caught Fraser square in the chackers. Fraser(looking more than ever like a missing member of Westlife, who had gone on the tot for a bit, and done it large at the pie stall) let go a thunderous Ooof!, and fell poleaxed to the floor, doing a remarkable impersonation of an owl in labour. Amidst general sympathy Pool Q nailed his true colours to the wall by sprinting (?) fully two yards and howfing it straight into the face of every young girls dream, who by this time was looking scunnered by the whole shennanigans. Fraze was soon fit to resume however, to a chorus of delighted squeals from his fan club of 10 year old girls in the gallery. Sean controlled the game early on, but it may have turned with a striking incident when Pool Q used his pace (?) to go past Richard , out-muscle the big man (?!) and find himself clear. At that point however Pool Q saw that the looming presence on his starboard side wasn't a skip with a bad haircut, but Gordy Millar moving at full speed (2 knots with a following wind) on intercept course. Time stopped, grown men averted their eyes, prayers were said. However when the dust settled Pool Q could be seen in the corner, still upright,counting limbs. The by now brown trousered Pool Q's leg then performed an apparently involuntary spasm, and the ball rolled to Fraser, who pounced, Boy Band fashion, and swept the ball home. His fans in the gallery went into ever greater paroxyms of delight, leaving not a single dry seat in the house.The Whites were in front, with a lead they were never to lose. Gordy Mack caught the eye, with a splendid pair of red socks which could be seen delivering a series of scythes/perfectly legitimate slide tackles (delete according to taste). Lindsay breenged around like a Frenchman in an Amsterdam hand-job parlour and everyone else tried to stay out of his way. Gordy Mack caused comment by a particularly "beefy" over the ball lunge at Craig, and mounting passions resulted in the inevitable penalty incident. The crowd roared as Richard performed a spectacular goal line clearance despite the fact that Craig was in goals at the time. Amazingly the Whites missed this (Gordy Mack was wiping gore and guts from his red socks at the time). Seconds later at the other end Fraser stepped into his own area. A penalty it seemed until Fraze advised he had had some (shall we say) assistance from the big man, and Step launched into an indignant tirade of the "we didn't get our penalty, you're not getting yours" variety. Fair enough was the concensus, except Richard whose well educated, rounded tones could be heard booming , like a British General of the Raj at a dim witted native servant who had just served the Port before the fish course, on the scandalous bad form of it all. Only some excellent goalkeeping from the suspiciously be-tanned Craig stopped the Whites from stretching their lead. Five minutes from time, as the Darks were building up to one last push the Janny initiated a one man pitch invasion. This was illadvised, and he left the court shaken and not a little stirred, having been told to "F**k Off out of it" by Sean. The remaining minutes saw the Darks push for an equaliser but a fine through ball from Fraser, put Step clear and a powerful finish sealed the win for the Whites. Seconds later "That's Time!" rang out. Next week sees the return of French Fred "The Frenchman" Bernardin (who is French)from suspension. Roll on Saturday!

9/11/2000 11:32 GMT

Pool Q

Saturday 4th match report. Football made a welcome reappearance this week following the long-awaited comeback of Sean ("The Hose") Gormley. Silky skills were much in evidence, in stark contrast to the blood and snotters of recent weeks. The teams lined up as follows - Darks: Nick, Andy, Keith, Richard & Pool Q; Whites: Step, Gordy Mac, Gordy Millar, Lindsay & Sean. The game started at a furious pace with The Shetland Dervish and Step particularly prominent - both in their industry and their complete inability to pass to a guy wearing the same colour shirt as they were. Step (one half of the famous "Pass to each other brothers") appeared determined to flaunt normal convention by continuing to pass exclusively to the other half of the legendary combo, despite the fact that Andy was in the opposing team. The Whites took control early doors, with Gordy Millar and Gordy Mac solid at the back, Step and Lindsay aggressive in the middle of the park, and Sean impressive up front. The Darks by contrast appeared to have imposed an embargo on passing the ball, with several team members (no names, no pack drill etc., but we are NOT including Richard or Pool Q here) adpoting an "it's my ball and I'm banjacked if I'm passing it to anyone" policy. Furthermore, when the Darks did create shooting opportunites there finishing was of the less than competent variety. Andy worried spectators in the upstairs gallery more than the Whites goalie, whilst Keith could be observed attempting to hit a Coo's Derriere with a banjo on numerous occassions. However Nick did have his shooting boots (as opposed to running shoes) on, and the Darks slowly fought there way back into the game. The crowd was brought to life by a particularly striking incident when Step went sprawling and did in fact seem to have had some assistance in the matter rather than simply falling over as is the norm. For reasons obscure to everyone else Nick had delivered a fair old howk from behind on Step, who appeared to be hurt. Thankfully however he made a good recovery, and was soon seen to be putting in several strong tackles and then passing the ball to Andy, so normal service was resumed. The Whites continued to play the better football (i.e. they at least tried to pass to each other) and the Darks showed considerable naivety by approaching to within a yard and a half of the Whites box, to be greeted by loud and cheery choruses of "Inside!" by the two Gordies. Sean put his mark on the game by scoring several top quality goals, most if not all appeared to involve making a complete c***t of Pool Q, whose woeful goalkeeping was ruthlessly exposed. Richard ran around like a demon, tirelessly tracking up and down the park. Unfortunately, however he appears to think that marking is something Teachers do to exam papers. Why mark Sean who is standing on your penalty spot, when you can breenge forward to half way to try and tackle Lindsay who is already marked by Andy? Goals ensued. Nick still had his dander up and he demanded more effort from his team mates. He didn't get it, and the last 10 minutes saw the Whites pull further away from their beaten and demoralised opponents. The final margin was about 4, but your correspondent was in the huff by this time so it is impossible to be more precise. That's Time! could not come quickly enough in the end. Next week sees the return of Craig Woodburn, so a potential rematch with Richard awaits. This one (unlike Nick) may run and run.

3/11/2000 20:36 GMT

Eddson

One day I am surfing zee net, when Helpa ma boab! What eez theez? Is theez the same boonch of the laddies I hud zee pleasoor of playin wiz? I remeember it well. Zee Meadobonk Stadio, zee Autumn zun, zee size 10 stompeeng on my chest as dribbled roun zee cumbersome oaf! Ah, zee mammories! Gordinio Milla haz zem all! Do not phone me, Iz now taken to zee beach Bolly Ball - much prettier you'll agree, no.

1/11/2000 09:41 GMT

Gordon

Saturday 28th match report. WOOAF ! as the great Archie McPherson would say what a humdinger of a match this was. It had everything, yet another trialist (Irish ?), confrontation, towsy tackles that led to tantrums..........grown men indeed. Football straight from the Argentinian text book circa 1966. But first the teams :- Whites were Gordy Mill, Hutch, Step,Andy Blade and Big Richard, Darks featured Craig, trialist (Derek Irishman), Fraser(yoof policy), Gordy Mack and burly Nick Geldart. Just from the line up you could see confrontations galore all over the park. Firstly however the game opened in controversy when Keith who was in the original dark line up seccedded his place to young Craig who had turned up 'on spec', good attitude shown here from young Craig but sad news for Keith as he was quickly dropped in place for the fitter and younger player. The whites were a bit non-plussed to say the least, tactics would require to be changed to suit the Darks new line up. Straight from the kick off Big Richard took the man -maiming role, sorry the man-marking role on young Craig. The pace started off briskly, too briskly perhaps for some of the older lads (no names, you know who you are)and it was apparent that some of these guys would n't last the full hour and 22 minutes (note: extra two minutes played, well Gordy Mack had the watch !! and he was losing by two going into the final 5 or is that 7?). No team could gain a convincing advantage and never more than 2 goals split the sides. The tackling grew towsy and there were a number of 'off the ball incidents', well I'm sure they may have started as 'on the ball' incidents but some of these guys are so slow that they quickly became'off the ball' incidents. Kicks were exchaged on a regular basis and young Craig seemed to be at the centre of most of the controversy. Pushing and shoving became looked over due to some more serious infringments taking place, the Darks truly lived up to their reputation as the 'Dundee' of the fives........Craig cynically took out Step, only for this to be returned from big Gordy Mill (or 'minder' to his team). Any decent ref would have had him off for such bullying if nothing else, however given that there was no ref, a free kick conceded seemed ample punishment. The controversy raged on as a clearly shaken Craig chuntered his way around the pitch taking retribution out on poor defenceless Richard.....to screams of' I'll push you hard!!' the two were ebventually split up.....tsk, tsk this was beginning to leave a bad taste in the mouth, or was it the bogging water that is always in Andy Blades Lucozade bottle ? As the red mist cleared the Whites ran out winners by three goals, some great stuff played but sadly masked by the disgraceful conduct of both teams. Gordy Mack, the elder statesman of the Dark team was seen to leave the park with disgust written all over his face,......... for the record Gordy Mack had actually 'quiffed' his hair for this weeks game and splendid it looked too !! Well what can we say about that game then......best forgotten, I personally felt sorry for the trialist (Derek) who had come over from Ireland for the game and was physically shocked by what he witnessed, however going by the boots he turned up in it was probably a shock for him to find out it was footie and not 'fell-running' he had been asked over for....what were they 'Reebok steep climbs' all about ? Well, another week over, another week to regroup, get fit and get picked for the next game. As a footnote the two Gordy's will return next week a little older but no wiser, both celebrate their birthdays this week and are quickly catching up on Fred the Frenchman. There are rumours that herbal substances are the secret of this two's prolonged fitness and mysterious youthful appearance, when asked what herbs were at the root of this treatment a clearly bemused Gordy Mack replied......'THATS THYME'....he,he, this one may run and run.

25/10/2000 12:45 GMT

Gordon

Saturday 21st October match report. A list of injuries the size of the Jam Tarts goals against column had made team selection difficult this week. With the Whites even resorting to fielding a trialist. The teams eventually lined up as :- Whites: Nick,Gordy Mack, Andy Blade,Mike (token English) and Trialist (Craig Thompson)against Darks : Fraser (yoof policy), Hutch aka PoolQ,Gordy Mill,Keith and Step. So with yet again no Frenchmen playing, it really is toys oot the prams for these foreign types isn't it ? you would think that they would just let bygones be bygones wouldn't you but no-no....they keep it dragging on, just like the Beef crisis, just like the port blockades, just like Agincourt, well just remember mate you lot got yours if it wasn't for us you would all be speaking German !!!!!!............eh, sorry about that, ah yes the game, a truly titanic struggle with a score of 3-3 being registered early and played at that deadlock for a long long time. The Whites trialist made a telling contribution on numerous occasions not least to break this deadlock, some left foot on the lad, a cracking couple of goals were racked up by him on what surely cannot be his first and last game for the Teuchters ? However, his colleagues were struggling to get the ball on target with a number of wild misses in front of goal. The combination of Youth and experience in the Darks started to tell, A number of stunning strikes form Fraser (yoof policy)exacted a lead for the Darks which proved insurmountable in the end with the Darks running out three goal winners. Even sides helped towards a gripping encounter. Given that our 'trialist was a virtual unknown it is pondered as to whether we should pull the first guy we see in Alex Munro's the butchers at the Foot o the walk when we are a man short ?!!! ..........for the record Gordy Mack was wearing his hair short this week.....and didn't he look a dapper fellow too. Sad to say that news reaches me of Gordy's annual participation in a thrashing at Golf from an old adversary.......readers from Pitlochry may have heard in the wee sma hours from a public bar in Pitlochry those immortal words from Gordy as his compatriot requested yet another lager............'THATS TIME'....this one may run and run.

17/10/2000 09:10 GMT

Gordon

Saturday 14th October match report. After a weekend off due to International duty (the big match was on the telly !!)it was a pleasure to get back to normal service. First the sides, Gordy Mack, Gordy Millar, Craig Woodburn, Keith, Andy 'blade', who played in Dark, versus the whites consisting of Step, Snobby, Hutch, Nick and Mike (token Englishman). For those of you regular readers you will notice the absence of Fred the Frenchman - still subject to a disciplinary hearing over his escapades a fortnight ago. This was a close fought encounter with the Whites using Step and Hutch wide on the wings to good effect early on, however they couldn't turn territorial advantage into goals and it was the darks, shepherded marvellously by Gordy Mack, who took the lead. It was noticeable that Gordy Mack had left his hair 'BIG' for the day and it certainly worked for me !!. As the game progressed the score rose to 3-3, Mack and Millar looked to be satisfied with the draw, but with 45 minutes left on the clock it was a tall order to hang on that long. However a number of missed efforts and downright s@*8!e shooting appeared to sap the Whites belief, slowly the Darks took control of the game, the watch, the water, the ball, there was a spell when total football looked to be on the cards, (it had more chance to appear on the cards than Leith on a Saturday morning) - and a lead was established when Keith (the white tornado - named not because of his speed and twisting turns but because he has a fetish about giving Molly Weir one !!!)finally found his shooting range, what a turn of pace this guy has, likened to Geldart in his early years..........once the lead was established it was always going to be hard for the Whites to come back, especially as Gordy Mack had the watch. And so it was that the Darks run out the winners, not a great game for the fan but he seemed to enjoy himself anyway, a mug of tea and a link sausage roll kept him going through the long spells of midfield attrition. Post match comments focused on the rumour sweeping the Stadium that Gordy Mack has been approached by Dundee United to take over Jim McLeans position and hairdo. When asked to comment on this Mack gave nothing away saying only ' THATS TIME !!' .....this one may run and run.

30/9/2000 13:20 GMT

Lindsay

Saturday 30 September match report. FOREIGN FRENCH FART 'PUSHES' HIGHLAND BRAVEGUT! Roudy scenes in the last 10 minutes and which continued into the dressing room overshadowed what turn out to be a tousy game. Goals were scored in batches - 'The whites scored in batches and we didn't!' remarked one disgruntled punter. The white team, through majestic passing and running off the ball creating cavernous spaces, roared into a three goal lead. However, once Nick sobered up and realised that there was more space than the centre circle in which to run, scored a lucky goal which had cannoned off two players, a scabby dug and an old Lady returning from her shift in Coburg Street, the game became a contest. With two differing styles- whites retaining their self belief in the passing and total footballing ideal and the Darks kick and hoof it up the park - the contest was intreging. Intreging, but not that good. The whites kept ahead by a few goals, very well built up and scored, and the darks huffed and puffed to try to keep the score down. Andy, the darks top striker, was hampered in his goal quest when on two occassions he had to stop and massage two lumps down from his neck back to their proper position - he may also be sued by Mitre for baring their logo on his inner thigh. The final 10 minutes saw the dramatic action the 35000 spectators left talking about. Mack, on a mazzy dribble past 3 dark players was unceremoniously barged in the back by Fred the Frenchman, who had lunged at him from all of 30 yards, pulled his jersey over his head, aimed 8 uppercuts to his jaw and offered to sell him another insurance policy. Mack was a trifle upset at this shennanigans and was heard mutter 'You rotter!' in a typical Highland tone. However, in the end the Whites increased their 3 goal lead in the last five minutes to win by a rather impressive 6 goals. Teams: White: Mack, Millar, Snobby, Sean & Lindsay Dark: Nick, Fred, Step, Andy & Richard (This report is not representive of the official match report and remains particularly biased, but who cares?)

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