1st Rate Jokes (Adults only)

A cardiac patient with end-stage heart disease was informed that he needed
an immediate heart transplant operation. The heart surgeon told him, "You
can have a doctor’s heart for £10,000 or a Rabbi’s heart for
£25,000 or I can give you a lawyer’s heart for £100,000."
The patient asked,"Why is the lawyer’s heart so much more expensive than
the others?" "Well," replied the surgeon, "we have to go through a lot of
lawyers to find a heart."
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How can you tell if your lawyers' well hung?
If you can't your finger between their neck and the noose.
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What does a blonde say when you asked her what the last two words of the
national anthem are?
Play ball !!
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What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
An interpreter !

Flat Tummy

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of
his dad  bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts,
worried  about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find
him.

The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and
sometimes I  have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and
gets on her  knees and blows it right back up."

One day a boy asks his dad, what's the difference between a pussy and a
c**t? Dad thought for a minute and said come with me. He took his son to
his mothers bedroom, where she was sleeping nude. Son he whispered, see
that brown soft furry patch, that is a pussy. The boy asked, may I touch
it to see how soft and furry it is? No replied his father, that might wake
the c**t up.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a
handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She
went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you
charge?"

The blonde said "How about £50?" The man agreed and told her that
the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's
wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband,
"Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I
had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.

"Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the £50. "And by the way,"
the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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Two guys in the pub one says to the other "my wife`s a dirty filthy slut"
the other guy say`s "why do you say that " the first guy replies" because
she wont wash the dishes so I can pee in the sink"
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Why wasn't Jesus born in the USA? Because they couldn't find three wise
men and a virgin!

Bill Gates died and found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God.
"Well, Bill," God said, "I'm really confused about this call; I'm not sure
whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society by
putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created
that ghastly Windows 95. So I'm going to do something I've never done
before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will
help you make a decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."

Bill said, "Okay, then, let's try Hell first." So off Bill went to Hell.
It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were
thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water,
laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was
perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God. "If this is
Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"

"Fine," said God and off they went.

Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing
harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought
for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer
Hell," he told God.

"Fine," God replied, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see
how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled
to a wall, screaming among the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being
burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded (his voice full of anguish and disappointment), "This is
awful; this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What
happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women
playing in the water?"

"Ah," God smiled and said, "That was just the screensaver."
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Official Bedroom Golf Rules!


1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club
and two balls.

2. Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep
the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage
to the hole.

6. Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the
owner is satisfied, and then play is complete. Failure to do so may result
in being denied permission to play again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire
course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or
are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset
owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.

10. Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all
times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily
under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this
situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when
this is the case.

11. Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled,
particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players
have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing
what they considered a private course.

12. The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes,
which may reduce the visibility of the hole.

13. Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before
attempting to play the backside.

14. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.

15. It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play
the same hole several times in one match.
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Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods
when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind
a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm
going to screw your brains out!" To that, Little Red Riding
Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out
a gun and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not!
You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book.

Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods
so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back,
and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat bastard!"

Two prostitutes standing on a street corner.
One says to the other, "have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the boobs!"

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said "well don't go there any more"

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 dollars that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a
man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and
$180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the
shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study.
After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the
reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Canada, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study.
After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they
concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting
him in the forehead.